These Are The Days That Must Happen To You
by Mellyjane40
Summary: Eight years after Josh leaves office and he Sam have to adjust to changes in their lives
1. Introducton

This series started out about ten years ago as one page of dialogue inspired by a photo of Rob Lowe in black suit, black shirt and black tie. It was sent to mellyjane40 and Sam In Black was formed.

As the background to the story we used characters from a story Vicki was writing. Sam and Josh started their relationship while still working in the White House but separated when Josh had a one night stand with a woman. Sam left the White House and moved to California where he later married and had a son (Jamie). When Jamie was two, Sam's wife, Geena was killed in a car crash leaving Sam alone with his son. Eventually Sam moved back to DC to be with Josh and they resumed their relationship. Josh ran first for the Senate and then for President. Meanwhile Sam became a partner in a law firm.

The previous stories in the series can be found here: They are still in the process of being uploaded so please be patient.

In all our stories we have endeavoured to research as much as we can. In this story in particular we have researched the Jewish faith and the medical conditions but it is possible there will be some errors, please forgive us for those and we hope it doesn't spoil your enjoyment of the story.

While this story can stand alone it will make more sense if the other stories are read first.

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the West Wing characters created by Aaron Sorkin, any others are our creation.


	2. Prologue

These Are The days Which Must Happen to You. Prologue

Saturday

Seaborn-Lyman Residence - Charlottesville, VA - June 2031

Dr Peter Jameson's POV

I realise something is wrong as I pull into the driveway. Coming in the other direction are a couple of black vehicles, escorted by a local police car and black sedans. Realising what's happened I mutter an "oh no," and accelerate towards the house.

To my surprise the front door is left open and there is an eerie silence as I enter the hallway. I head first to the kitchen, but I can't find him there or either in the living room. Deciding to search upstairs I drop my bag in the hallway and take the stairs two at a time. My heart sinks at the sight which greats me in the master bedroom. The bed is unmade, covers pushed to the floor and he's standing in the middle of the chaos.

"When?" I manage to gasp after I've caught my breath.

"Peter?" My friend of almost twenty years turns to look at me and I'm taken aback by the weariness in his eyes. Over the years I've seen him at his worst, but now he looks as if he's been physically assaulted, slightly off balance; his face ghostly white and rigid, his eyes wide with shock.

"When?" I ask again.

"Oh," He gives a heavy sigh. "An hour or so, I think!"

"I'm so sorry!"

It's all I can manage as he nods and gives a soft "yeah," as he turns away, his eyes going back to the bed in front of him. "How did you know? I haven't called anyone yet?"

"I was just coming over to see how you both were. Remember, I said I would?" I put my hand on his shoulder. "What can I do?"

"I need to call Jamie..." He turns, ready to leave the room, but I put a hand out to stop him.

"Why don't I do that. I'll call everyone for you."

"No...I promised...need to do this!"

"

OK," I say softly and we head downstairs.

When we reach the living room I push him into the nearest chair and I'll make coffee and leave him to make the call. As I leave the room, I turn and watch as he picks up the phone, staring unseeing out of the window, and I can't help but think that a part of Sam Seaborn has been irreparably broken.

"Jamie...it's Dad. I...I'm sorry...but, Josh died a little while ago."

TBC


	3. Part 1a

These Are The Days Which Must Happen To You

Part One A

Saturday

Seaborn-Lyman Residence – Charlottesville, VA – June 2031

Sam's POV

After the hardest call of my life, I've retreated to Josh's study on the ground floor I can't face our bedroom but I need to hang on to his lingering presence. It's easy to believe that he's just left for a visit and that later I'll hear the door open and his "Sam!" His study is just as he left it month ago when he made a slow progress upstairs to bed. The room has a stunning view across the back of the house with its sweeping lawn and a glimpse of a lake in the distance. Josh had grand plans to turn his study into a library but as his health worsened he never carried out his plan.

I walk over to his desk which all his life which ever desk he's worked out is an untidy jumble of books, files and even more poignant is a post-it-note with "_call Sam." _ How long it's been sitting there I don't know, but I trace my hand over his handwriting.

"_Sam, give me brake! I don't think I'm gonna get out of the senate till gone midnight and I just wanted to say hi!"_

"_I still think it's adorable!"_

"The last one went cold!" I look up at the sound of Peter's voice and he stands in front of the desk with a mug of coffee. "I thought I'd find you in here!"

"Yeah, I...needed to...," I begin then fail to string a sentence together.

"I know!" Peter says softly. "It's almost as if he's still here."

There's never awkward silences between us Peter's one of my oldest friends and he just stands and sips his coffee and smiles at a picture of Jamie Josh and I taken when Jamie was five and we'd just moved into our first joint property in Georgetown.

"Jamie's getting the next flight." I dully inform as my eyes follow his gaze and I attempt to take another drink but fail and put the mug down on the desk.

"OK."

"Alex...I...need to call Alex...I'd forgotten he's staying at the cottage." I say suddenly remembering Josh's former Press Secretary who arrived two days ago to visit us and found himself in the middle of a crisis as Josh's health rapidly deteriorated.

"I know, I called him and he's gonna stay down there, make some calls till you're ready for visitors."

"Thank you," I don't know what else to say.

"I'll go and unpack then. Usual room? Don't, let _that _go cold."

I must look like one of those nodding dogs but the power of speech seems to have deserted me. Staring down I notice that it's Josh's mug that Peter has handed me. It's the dark blue mug with the Presidential seal and slightly chipped but Josh wouldn't let me throw away. It's a memento of his first day as Deputy Chief of Staff to Jed Bartlet. Hands trembling, under Peter's watchful gaze I pick the mug up and take a sip of the hot sweet coffee. A cell-phone bleeps in the pocket of my jeans I pull it out and go to answer it but Peter takes it from my hands.

"Peter Jameson, no, he's not..."

The rest of Peter's conversation becomes a rumble of words. It's just hit me, for the first time in 23 years, I'm all alone and all I can think about is when I knew Josh and I were on borrowed time.

_Seaborn-Lyman Residence – Charlottesville, VA – January 2025_

"_Josh!" I drop my bags to the floor and call upstairs._

_I know he's here, his agents are stationed outside. I would love to get rid of the protection detail, but unbelievably three years after the years after Josh left office we still get threats and were advised to advised to make use of the full ten years of protection we're entitled too. Josh insists he'll end it after five, but I can envisage us with their shadowy presence for the next seven years._

_I know from the routine Josh has established that he's in the study, pretending to write. His book, a study on American modern political history is twenty chapters in and I know it's kicking his ass._

"_Sam! I'm in here." He calls down from the landing._

_I stomp my way upstairs, not even attempting to calm down. As I enter the room Josh shuts down his laptop and gets to his feet._

"_Hey, sweetheart, how was the journey?"_

_I can tell he's trying to stave off the inevitable explosion._

"_Don't you dare sweetheart me! I thought we were past this." I start to get into my stride of righteous indignation. "I could understand it to an extent when were in the White House, there was a certain inequality to our relationship, however much we tried to ignore it, but now...now it's just you and me and I won't be kept in the dark like this!"_

"_Sam, would you mind calming down and telling me just what you're pissed off at me about? I'd like to be sure before you start yelling again!"_

_Josh sits back down and I can see that despite his combative response he's wishing he could be anywhere but here talking to me._

"_I call in to my office on the way home and I'm accosted by a reporter asking me why you're meeting a top cardiologist at GW."_

"_Sam I..." Josh starts._

_But I am so wound up I don't hear him._

"_Which is funny because for one thing you didn't have a doctor's appointment scheduled for another six months and for another your doctor is based at Georgetown, for reasons passing understanding when there's a perfectly good hospital just a few miles down the road! Thank you for making me look a complete fool, again, Josh!"_

_With the anger abated I flop onto the couch which is usually used as an extension of his bookshelves much to my dismay! But, it's currently tidy because I insisted on a cleaning frenzy, before I left to visit Jamie at Harvard._

"_That wasn't my intention." He replies quietly, looking down at his hands._

"_Josh, why is a reporter asking me about cardiologists at GW?" I sit forward expectantly; worry making its way to the surface as I know he very rarely goes to the doctor voluntarily._

"_Probably because I met with one two weeks ago and then again yesterday. She's nice, you'd like her."_

"_Josh!" I growl at him, fed up with his diversion techniques._

"_Sweetheart, I need you to sit there and I need you to listen, without interrupting or going off on one of your rants, OK?"_

_At the tone of his voice I get up and kneel in front of his chair and take his hands in mine._

"_Josh, I won't say a word as long as you tell me everything."_

"_And I need you not to yell." At my look he smiles slightly. "OK, OK. You know I had that cough and I was getting breathless and tired. I asked around and Dr Andersen was recommended to me, apparently she's the next big thing in cardiology." He moves his hand to rest it against my cheek and I lean into it, three days away and I've missed him. "I have what's considered to be stage C heart failure."_

"_What are you talking about, you said you had the flu. You've jumped from that to heart failure!" I jump to my feet, shaking my head, believing he's gone way over the top with his assumption. "That's ridiculous."_

"_No, it's not. She's done all the tests Sam, an ECG, blood work everything. If I take the plethora of medication that she's given me and get some exercise, change my diet, there's no reason anything has to change, at least not for a long while yet."_

"_Why didn't you ask me to go with you? You obviously knew I would be out of town when you made the appointment." I'm trying so hard to control my anger because that's all I can let myself feel right now._

"_If it was nothing I didn't want you worrying. You had that case and you wanted to see Jamie."_

"_I could have rescheduled my flight to see Jamie, and the case is nowhere near as important to me as you. I would have moved everything, you know that!" I've started pacing in an attempt to stop myself saying something to him I might regret._

"_I do know that. If you want me to be honest I wanted to do this by myself. I love you Sam but you're so earnest about everything and I just needed to hear what she said and process it without you saying I told you so."_

_I look at him, unable to believe he actually said that, hurt that that's how he sees me, and suddenly I can't be in the same room or I'll say something that can't be taken back, "Go to hell Josh." With that I stalk from the room, slamming the door behind me._

"_Well that's just great." I hear him say to himself as I walk away._

_Two hours later, after much internal ranting and pacing I decide Josh and I have to start talking or this silence will rival some of our worst fights in the White House. Walking downstairs I stop and light a fire in the living room hoping the cosy atmosphere might help us to relax enough to talk properly without fighting. Getting up I head into the kitchen and find him sitting at the table half-heartedly eating one of the meals I had put in the freezer before I left, and he's reading the paper_

"_Josh, can we talk?" I've to be the bigger person in this row and make the first move to patch things up._

"_I was ready to talk two hours ago." He puts down the paper and his fork, pushing his plate away._

"_I know, and I'm sorry but...why did you say I'd say I told you so...I don't understand, why would you think I'd do that?"_

_"You've been telling me to go to the doctor...ever since we left the White House you've been watching me, every cough, if I get tired you're on edge."_

_"Because I care about you...are you telling me you've felt ill since then? Josh!"_

_"No, I've been fine but the past few weeks I've been tired and coughing again so I thought I'd get it checked out."_

"_I just don't understand, you told me you had the flu, you assured me you'd be ok if I went to see Jamie. I just don't understand why you would exclude me like that."_

_I'm 60 years old and I swear I sound like a whiny child._

"_For God's sake, Sam I didn't have the flu! Do you honestly think even I would go all the way into DC to see a cardiologist for the flu? I thought something was wrong like before when we got back together, and I wanted it checked out. You know I don't get on with the new guy at Georgetown, I wanted someone else." At that I get up again and start pacing._

"_Why did you lie to me?"_

"_I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you every detail of my life."_

"_We're married, Josh! We've been married for 12 years coming up on 13, and you don't think I deserve to know when you feel ill and you think you might possibly need to undergo heart surgery again! You're unbelievable."_

"_I didn't want you to worry."_

"_Josh I've worried about you for 25 years now, ever since a bullet tore your chest apart and you put your hand through a damn window! It's what I do, because I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever met and I'm not going to stop because you feel I should." _

_I shouldn't have brought up Rosslyn. It's something we silently agreed on years ago. He still suffers rare nightmares, and when it's mentioned it still affects him but I need him to understand how much this is affecting me. At my words he gets up and leaves the room. I follow him into the living room, glad I set the fire because he's shivering. When he stops he turns and faces me._

"_I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned Rosslyn but please will you tell me what's going on in your head right now because you're scaring me."_

"_I have heart failure, and I'm scaring you?" His voice is incredulous._

"_Yes because you're deliberately trying to pick a fight with me, so that you can push me away and then feel self-righteous that I'm not there to take care of you. You did it then when we were just friends but you're sure as hell not going to do it now, so cut the crap!"_

"_I can't," He whispers from his seat on the sofa._

"_Why?" I drop down beside him and take his hands in mine, rubbing them gently when I feel how cold they are._

"_Because if I do, if I let you in, then I have to stop pretending that this isn't real."_

_That's when my heart breaks and I stare at him, not knowing what to say. My strong, sure, confident Josh is sitting in front of me shaking. I mentioned Rosslyn and I've not seen him like this since then. The whole time in the White House he more or less kept it together, especially when I didn't, but never did he get like this. I move my hands from his and put my arms around him pulling him to me gently, pressing soft kisses to his hair, willing him to calm down. The best thing I can do now is let him calm down, hold him close so he knows I'm here. My anger can wait._

"_It's ok, darlin', everything is going to be ok."_

"_You're mad at me, aren't you?" He whispers._

"_Yeah, but it doesn't matter. We'll talk about it, but not now. Now we're just going to sit here. Then when you're ready tell me about what the doctor said, ok?" Josh nods against me._

"_How's Jamie, and Molly? Is Jamie freaking out yet?" He lifts his head from my shoulder._

"_He's fine, Molly's doing great. Jan and Chris fly in, in a couple of weeks, they're fine. I told them we're just a phone call away."_

"_Good. Sweetheart, do you mind if we don't talk about the doctor tonight?"_

_"I need to know one thing? Did the doctor say if this has been made worse because of the stress of the Presidency? Could it have been happening that long?"_

_"She said that my medical history and probably the lifestyle and stress wouldn't have helped but she couldn't say for sure. She did say that some people don't have any contributing factors, it just happens. There's nothing we could have done." He takes my hand, "I really don't want to talk about this anymore, not tonight. I just want to be with you. I missed you."_

_"I missed you too darlin', we can talk tomorrow." I hesitated, I want to ask him, want reassurance but I find I can't voice my fears, the fear that had clouded the whole of our conversation since I got home; the same fear that has been in the back of my head ever since that night in May so many years ago._

_"You want to go to bed darlin', you look exhausted."_

_Josh nods again so I gently lift him so I can get up and I kiss him gently on the forehead._

"_I'll be up in a minute." I promise._

_After he's gone I take care of the fire, lock up, taking the opportunity to calm myself needing to keep myself together for him. When I enter our bedroom Josh is standing at his dresser, staring at a small white box, a glass of water in his hand. As I get closer I see it's a tablet organiser, labelled with days and times, and it's full. He throws his head back as he swallows the handful of pills and gulps back water._

"_Much more and I'll rattle," he smiles when he sees me._

"_Is that it for tonight?" I ask him as I pull my sweater over my head. I can't think about this tonight, I need to let it go. When he nods his head I walk over to him and kiss him sweetly on the lips._

"_I missed you." I say softly._

"_I missed you too, you don't know how much."_

"_I do. Want me to show you how much I missed you?" He raises an eyebrow. "Are you ok to..?" I tentatively ask. I hope to God the answer is yes, but, I'm not going to take any chances._

"_God, Sam, things aren't that bad yet." He laughs._

_I don't say another word; I just begin unbuttoning Josh's shirt. As I undo each button I press my lips to the revealed skin, paying special attention to the raised white line running down his chest and I hear his breathing hitch as I do. As I do that I'm busy pulling his shirt from his pants and push it from his shoulders. I rest my hand over his heart and let out a shuddering breath as his hand comes up to run through my hair._

"_It's not going to stop," he whispers._

"_Just checking." With that I resume my journey down his body, unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his pants._

"_You know I can undress myself."_

"_Never said you couldn't. Lie down."_

_He lies down on the bed and I free him from his pants and boxers before pulling off his socks. When he lies in front of me naked I take my time, drinking in the sight of him, leaner than he used to be, and not so toned, but still beautiful. When I'm sure he's watching I unbutton my own shirt, letting it fall to the floor and unbuttoning my jeans. He sits up and rests back on his elbows as I push my jeans to the floor and step out of them. When I'm also naked I join him on the bed._

"_Josh, just tell me...did she say...I mean...?" I still can't articulate what I want to know but thankfully Josh can read me well enough to know what I want._

_"You're not getting rid of me yet, sweetheart."_

_"That's all I needed to hear."_

_"Sam...I...not to sound too uncaring or selfish but do you think you could do something!"_

_I smirk at him before lowering my head and kissing him. After a few minutes, frustrated with my slow pace he rolled us over so that he was on top of me and smiled so that I forgot everything except him._

"Sam?"

"Yeah,"

I'm back in the present and Peter is back in the doorway with the phone in his hand.

"I'm sorry, but, that was Alex again, The..." He pauses to choose his words carefully. "News is out and you're about to get a call from the White House!"

I sigh, and Peter must have seen a look on my face, as it's well known that there is no love lost between Josh myself and the sitting President.

"You don't have to take it," He tells me.

"No I'll take it!" I say with a sigh as I take the phone from Peter. "Sam Seaborn,"

"Mr Seaborn," A receptionist's gentle comes over the line. "This is the White House, would you hold for President Jesson?"

"Of course." I say politely.

A few minutes later I hear the commanding voice of the sitting President comes across the line. I really have no axe to grind with him, not anymore, but Josh did. When we were first campaigning for the White House, Jesson was a low ranking Democrat Congressman. He was caught on an open mike in his district giving his opinions on a same sex couple raising a child in the White House. He wasn't the only politician to do this, but Josh took it more personally from him. His family had been friends with Jesson's for years and Josh had helped him with his campaign when he was still Deputy Chief of Staff as a favour to his parent's friends, believing him to be a good candidate. Years later when asked for a comment on Jesson on one of the Sunday shows about the Presidential race; Josh gave his very frank opinion which ruffled a few feathers, much to his delight, as well as refusing to help campaign for him. Whatever the opinions of our relationship, Josh was seen as a great President, his second term achieving more than we ever imagined and his opinion carried a fair amount of weight.

"Mr Seaborn, Sam, are you there?"

"Yes, I'm sorry, Mr President. What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to personally pass on mine and Lauren's condolences to you and your family. I know that President Lyman and I had our differences; but he was a great servant to the nation and it was a privilege to know him."

Ok, the man sounds sincere, but I can't help but compared to Josh and Jed Bartlet when they made these calls and somehow it seems fake.

"Well thank you. Please thank the First Lady for me won't you?"

He mumbles a few more platitudes before crying off with an appointment and I've never felt so relieved to end a phone call. Then I remember to be charitable as Josh used to dread such calls.

_Seaborn & Associates – March 2015_

"_Sam Seaborn." I hit the speaker button as I attempt to make inroads into the paperwork mountain on my desk._

"_Sam, it's me, I need you." Josh's voice sounds strange but I can't make out why over the speaker._

"_I'm pretty busy, darlin'." As I speak I hear something on C-Span I always have on in the background. "Hold on a sec."_

"_...we're just getting details of two army fatalities in Somalia, from what appears to be a mine explosion..."_

"_OK Josh." I reassure him as I start to close the files into my briefcase. It's the first military deaths of his term, the first time he'll have to make the dreaded call to the grieving families. "I'll be there as quick as I can."_

_Half an hour later, I stride in to the Oval Office from the portico. He's sitting at his desk, chair turned to face the window. "Josh?"_

"_Donna's bringing in the details." Josh swings round to face me and his face is pale and set. "God this is weird thing to say but, how do I do this?"_

"_You've done it before, darlin', when you __were in the Senate." I crouch in front of the chair and rest my hands on his knees. "Those troops were not sent out on your watch! __" I try to reassure him_

"_I've done nothing to bring them home!"_

"_Josh...you've hit the ground running and it's barely a hundr__ed days in office! I know you're very powerful now but even you have your limits." I see Donna hovering in the doorway. "Donna's here. Come on, I'll be right here." I get up and sit in the chair by the desk usually used by CJ as Josh took the files from D__onna. I take his free hand and grip it tightly as he picks up the phone._

"_Mrs Shepherd, this is President Lyman. Sam and I are so very sorry for your loss. Would you mind if we spoke for a while, and maybe you could tell me some more about your son."_

It's not till after lunch were I've picked at a sandwich under Peter's watchful eye that we hear the crunch of wheels on the drive that signals the arrival of family and friends. Peter says that he'll let them in and I decide to go and change out of my jeans and old sweater that I hastily pulled on this morning. As I reach the first floor landing I stop by a large window and watch the procession of cars led by Jamie in a rental car come to a halt in front of the house.

"Now it begins," I say to myself as I watch as I watch, Daniel Davis my former chief of staff, CJ Cregg, (who flew in from LA only yesterday to visit Josh, and is staying by a nearby B&B) and Jamie, with Molly (with my six year old granddaughter Claudia, in her arms,) greet each with hugs and emotional embraces.

I head for bedroom next door to master bedroom that I've slept in the month as Josh stubbornly refused to go into hospital and our bedroom transferred in to a private hospital room. The simple task of choosing a more formal pair of pants and shirt deserts me. I lean against the wardrobe with my eyes closed for a moment as I try to banish from my mind the absurd but persistent thought that suddenly I'll wake up and Josh will be laughing as he always did when he caught me nodding off in the afternoon or over late night television. Meeting the sympathetic stares of friends and family and witnessing the shock and grief etched on the faces; I'll have to acknowledge that I that Josh has really gone.

TBC


	4. Part 1b

Saturday

Seaborn-Lyman Residence – Charlottesville, VA – 2031

Sam's POV

"Where is he?"

I hear my daughter-in-law enquire as I make my way to the first floor of the landing still in my jeans and sweat shirt.

"He went upstairs to change." Peter answers casting a glance upstairs and I take a step back into the shadows.

"How is he?" Molly enquires anxiously.

My daughter-in-law is a leggy athletic girl and her calm sensible manner is a perfect foil to Jamie's exuberant attitude to life. Josh and I were shocked when Jamie announced that they were getting married when they were so young but having met again at Harvard they were obviously right for each other.

"How is he?" I know I'm gonna hear these words verbatim in the next few days but the one thing I've always hated, is people talking about me when I'm in the room.

"Numb with shock," Peter says bluntly.

"Hey!"

I make my way downstairs as I decide to get the hardest bit over with before I go and change. The looks of shock and grief are mirrored on the faces of my family and friends and it's a while before I can speak again as I'm caught up in hugs, kisses from Molly and embraces from Dan and CJ. There's a tug at my jeans and a "Grampa!" from the little high pitched voice of my granddaughter. She has her mother's bouncy curly hair and Jamie's big blue eyes.

"How could I forget you! Hey there buglet!" I reply as I bend down and give her a warm kiss on the cheek. "Where's your daddy?"

"I'm here." Jamie's voice is flat as he enters the hallway with a suitcase and I can't read his mood.

I get up from crouching in front of my granddaughter, "Claudy, sweetheart, if you go with Mommy, there are some cookies in the kitchen for you, OK."

Many of the gifts of food and fruit baskets that were sent to Josh have been donated to local hospitals but some with cookies I've kept back for my granddaughter. She is taken firmly by the hand by her mother and marched towards the kitchen. CJ and Dan mutter something about "giving us some time alone," and follow them down the corridor. There's an awkward silence as Jamie stands with his head bowed and arms folded. I want to hug him but I'm not sure if it would be welcome.

"Well, aren't you gonna say anything? Or are we just gonna stand here?"

"I should have been here."

Jamie raises his head and runs a hand over his eyes and I give in to my instinct and lay my hands on his shoulders.

"That's not what Josh wanted." I say firmly. "He wanted you to be at Claudy's school concert."

"I shouldn't have listened to him!"

"No! Jamie he didn't want that, why can't you respect what he wanted?"

"He wasn't in any state to know what he wanted!"

"Yes, he was, I'm sorry you can't see that, but, Josh knew exactly what _he_ wanted and I had to accept that as did you."

I flop down on a window seat and put my face in my hands. It's not like I don't understand why he's angry. Despite his frailness, Josh and I had argued fiercely, but in the end I had to abide by his wishes. I'm not in the mood to fight with my son, so I attempt to change the subject.

"So was she good?" I manage in a normal tone of voice.

"So we're going to do this again...you don't want to listen to reason so you change the subject."

"Jamie," I run my hand across my face. "I'm...not now! Not when he's just...will you just tell me how the concert was?"

"She remembered all her words! She was good."

"You got it on camera right?" Jamie nods.

"Ok. Well, Alex is over at the cottage but he'll be over soon and then there are things we have to do." I give him a reassuring squeeze of his right shoulder, trying to make some kind of peace. "The plans for the fune...the plans were signed off with the state department before we left office but, I've..." I get to my feet and head to the stairs. "Gotta get changed, then get Alex help me to draft a statement."

"I'll go and see how my family are." Jamie's gaze can't meet my eyes and he turns away from me causing me to sigh.

As he leaves he brushes past CJ who looks surprised but I can tell by her expression that Molly has told her what has been going on.

"Sam, you've had little no sleep the past forty eight hours or much to eat. Why don't we all get something to eat? Then you can get some rest? We don't have to issue a statement till later."

I go back downstairs and warmly hug her.

"You know I'm better at coping if I've got something to do!" I remind her with a false attempt and bravado as I head back upstairs.

I'll do anything to create order out of chaos; like a glass plate dropped on a kitchen floor, it's not my life, but those of our family and friends that have been fractured by Josh's death. I'm supposed to be the protector and problem-solver for my family. Ignoring the reality of the situation, that Josh was on borrowed time,, I fear that if I begin to let my feelings out, I might not be able to shut off the intense anger and loneliness, and abandonment I feel at my Josh's death.

Molly's POV

As I finish pouring out the fifth mug of coffee and handing a cookie to my daughter's eager out reached hands; I hear a shout and the slam of a door coming from the upstairs study and hurried footsteps down the stairs. As I rush into the living room my father-in-law bursts in wildly waving a computer tablet protected by a leather case.

"Alex, is there something you'd like to tell me?"

Alex Josh's former press secretary a tall dark haired man with a slight sliver of grey around the temples cautiously looks up from the laptop he is earnestly consulting as Sam almost throws the tablet on the table. I can see Alex's name on the front so I guess he must have left it in the study which he decamped in the moment Sam asked him to come up to the house.

"Sam...what do you mean?" Alex replies calmly not letting himself be roused by such sarcasm in my father-in-law voice.

"I just found something very interesting in the study...what the hell is this crap?"

I cast a anxious glance at Jamie as he jumps from one of the arm chairs and sends his coffee mug flying across a woven brown rug which covers the highly polished oak floor boards. Even through his upset and more than a little anger, he's straight by his father's side when he thinks he needs him.

"Dad, what are you talking about?"

"It appears that...leave the damn thing alone, Jamie!" Sam barks as Jamie goes to pick up the mug. "You've just got to hear this!" Sam says with a bitter laugh.

"Listen to what dad? I don't understand?"

Fearing this may get ugly, I turn to my daughter who's wandered into the room with another cookie in her hand. She stares at us her eyes wide in bewilderment at the sound of raised voices.

"Everyone is a little cross today!" I say as I carry her into the hallway and put her down again. "But not at _you _poppet. Can you go and play in your room? I'll be up in a few minutes? " I ask referring to the nursery that Sam and Josh decked out when Claudy was born, despite the fact our home is in Boston. Claudy nods and I give her a kiss and return to the ongoing row and hear the words, "_going beyond what Josh and I planned._"

"What the hell is going on?" I demand as I stand with my arms folded and survey the scene in front of me. My father-in-law and Alex are almost nose to nose and Sam takes a step back hands on his hips breathing heavily.

"It seems that the plans Josh and I made for a private funeral weren't respected! Now we've got the full works a lying in state at the Rotunda where we'll be on show. What the hell gave you the right to do this?" Sam thunders at Alex.

"OK," I say picking up the mug and laying it on the table. "Why don't you both sit down and discuss this like..." I know I'm probably going a little too far on this awful day and sit down on the sofa and pat either side of the sofa. "Let's all sit down and discuss this calmly."

"Thank you Molly!" Alex gives me a grateful nod of acknowledgement and sits on my right hand side. "I didn't do anything, Sam. I was merely doing what I was told." He adds in a quiet but firm tone of voice.

Sam smiles at me, he knows I won't take any nonsense. Although I knew Sam and Josh when I used to visit the White House to play with Jamie and other children of the White House Staff, I was nervous when I got pregnant and had to face them. But, as time went on, I learnt not to take any of Josh's attempts at overbearing parent nonsense.

"By who then? If this was State..."

"No, Sam...it wasn't State," Alex sighs, "It was Josh."

Nobody says anything for a few minutes, and the only movement in the room comes from Sam who almost staggers to an armchair. Jamie is by his side in a flash, as is Peter who's entered the living room at the sound of shouting. I'm reminded sharply by Jamie that we're dealing with someone with a heart arrhythmia which seems to have been corrected by the pacemaker that Sam had fitted just before Josh's second term. It didn't stop my husband and Josh being a little jumpy where Sam's health is concerned. At the moment they have every right to be as Sam looks ghostly grey, but, he waves Jamie and Peter away.

"Alex, what do you mean it was Josh?" I ask to give Sam a chance to recover.

"About three months ago he called me, said he needed to see me...and Toby. If you remember it was whilst you were visiting Donna in DC, Sam. He told us he'd been in contact with the State Department and told them he wanted to change the arrangements. He asked Toby to make sure everything could be done according to Jewish burial rights."

"OK, Why didn't he tell me?" Sam's speaking to nobody in particular.

"I can't answer that, perhaps Toby can? I thought he would tell you. But...you don't have to worry about anything."

Sam just shakes his head and repeats that he doesn't understand why he wasn't consulted further about the funeral arrangements. Alex looks around, slightly helplessly at us and Peter crosses over to a drinks tray and pours a scotch and then hands it to Sam who takes it with trembling hands and takes a sip and some colour returns to his face.

"Perhaps it's best if later on Jamie and I take a look through some of Josh's papers to see if we can find what his wishes were? But, Alex is waiting to brief the press and..." I turn to Sam. "I know you and CJ may want to have a hand in that? Whilst, Jamie and I fix something to eat?"

I'd come to have a great fondness for Josh, but Sam and Jamie would be horrified if they knew, I always felt a bit of an outsider. There was such a close bond between the three of them. Perhaps this sense of distance is working in my favour! Sam won't rest until he's got some answers but he and his former staff and friends are temporarily paralysed or stunned by grief and the sudden row. So, I reach over for the tablet from the table and quickly browse through it. Out of the corner of my eye that Sam and Jamie seems a little less listless and Sam asks Alex to run through the plans. Both father and son don't take well to being coddled or being made to feel useless and I get a nod of approval from CJ who has come back in from calling Toby to find out more.

"I...why wouldn't he tell me?" Sam says again in a quiet voice and looks at a picture on one of the side tables taken of the former first family on one of the sofas in the Oval Office with their arms around each other and broad grins on their faces. Jamie follows his gaze puts a hand on his father's shoulder.

"Dad, I'm probably not the best person to suggest this," He says with a shaky laugh "But, why don't we listen to what Josh wanted?"

Sam nods and I hand the tablet over to Alex.

"I think," He turns to face Sam. "Some of the arrangements you are familiar with. Josh will still be buried at the library, next to the memorial to his parents and his sister. Then," Alex clears his throat. "The arrangements that have been agreed with the State Department are that we'll leave here Monday morning. President Jesson has offered you the use of Blair House for the duration of your stay and you will be accorded full Secret Service protection until you return here after the funeral."

Sam simply nods and at a nod from CJ, Alex continues.

"Before that er...Josh will lie in state from Monday at the Capitol, after a procession from the White House where there will be a memorial service at the Capitol with the President, VP, Majority Leader, Speaker, senate dignitaries and invited guests. Josh made it clear who was to be invited to both...and who wasn't, and who would make the speeches at the Capitol service."

"Well that sounds like Josh." CJ says and it finally seems to break some of the tension, although Sam still looks like he's been hit by a truck.

"Then the...er...coffin will lie in state until midnight on Tuesday. On Wednesday we'll go to the library for the burial. Are you OK with that Sam?"

"I'll have to be won't I?" Sam says with a thin smile. "Did you speak to Toby?" He says turning to CJ.

"Yes, he finalised everything a couple of weeks ago." CJ is not afraid to look Sam in the eye. "You know that tradition says the burial should take place as soon as possible but Toby argued that the lying in state would be reason enough for a delay because it is essentially honouring Josh. I guess the Sabbath and it being a state funeral is reasonable circumstances, after all, and Josh signed off on the plans."

"Well that's that then!" Sam says sarcastically.

"Well it seems that Josh's wishes were pretty clear." I say trying to head off another argument. "Sam...why don't you go and freshen up and then we'll talk about this some more. Jamie, you can help me clear up this mess. I'm pretty sure that CJ and Alex can handle making a statement to the press."

"I should stay with Dad and..." Jamie begins but Sam stops him.

"No, I'm going to head up to my study." I see Jamie's concerned look but I think Sam just needs to be by himself for a while; us crowding him won't help the situation, especially given Jamie's mood on the journey down here. "I just need a few minutes by myself."

"But, Sam we need..." Alex starts.

"We'll have something for you in a hour?" CJ says firmly and I hear her tell Alex to follow her and they head off towards the library.

"Did you...I mean does Claudia know about her grandfather?" Sam says suddenly.

"We told her before we left." I answer with a smile. Before she was born, not knowing Josh so well I had wondered how he would feel about the baby but I needn't have worried. I know Josh considered Jamie his son from the time he and Sam were reunited and Jamie told me of reporters who were threatened with dire punishments if they referred to Jamie as his adoptive son. "I don't know how much she understands, we may need to explain to her again." I tell him as I survey the clutter of coffee mugs and paper around the room.

What I don't say is how my little girl clung to me from the moment we told her. She understood enough to know her beloved Grampa 'Osh wasn't going to be there anymore and she was inconsolable. She's acting normally enough now, but any minute we could be faced with that inconsolable little girl again.

When he's gone I turn to Jamie who if anything looks worse than his father.

"Why don't you go and spend some time with Claudy?" I suggest. She slept through our flight down so he hasn't had much chance to spend time with her. When he's gone I go and find Alex and CJ in the library and close the door behind me. "Right," I stand with my arms folded. "Now they're gone you can tell me exactly what I can do to make this easier on both of them."

Seaborn-Lyman Residence – 2031

Sam's POV

Despite the state of the art watch on my wrist I have no concept of time it's almost like I've entered the twilight zone. I have no idea how long I've been standing on the large landing, arms folded staring out across the grounds towards the distant mountains.

When we bought the house, Josh and I had plans of sharing the study downstairs but once he left office, I refused to work among his mess. Despite the fact we have five bedrooms and a cottage in the grounds I moved my desk out onto the landing where I could enjoy the light flooding in from the huge window and the magnificent view. Now I'd give anything to enter his study to see him sitting feet on his desk, looking up as I enter, "_Ah, Sam have you read this...!_" waving some op-ed article at me.

Instead here I am only a few hours after he left us mad as hell with my Josh. After many battles through the first 6 years of his Presidency, I'd finally got him to discuss the plans for the funeral and he'd decided on a private funeral.

The White House 2019

"_Darlin' I know you don't want to talk about this but at the moment all you'll get is...the flat packed Presidential funeral!" I know Josh is trying hard not to smile. "My God Josh you deserve so much more than that!"_

"_Sam, when it happens, I'm not going to care one way or another." His chair is turned to face the window and I know he's angry. He's angry that the State Department bothered me about this first and not him, he's angry about having to discuss it at all. We've put them off one way or another for 5 years but I know that it needs to be finalised, but getting Josh to agree is another matter entirely._

_I__'m silent as I stare at the back of his chair, trying to keep my temper in check._

"_Doesn't it matter to you that I care. I will care Josh." I try again. "Trust me, when your flag draped coffin is in front of me, I'm going to care that you didn't get the funeral you wanted and deserved."_

"_It's a bit academic, what if you go..." He stops swings round and colours slightly as I've just been through a medical scare. Suddenly he's in front of me, wrapping his arms around my waist and I lean into him. "Sam...I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."_

"_Yeah but you're my idiot." I add with a shaky laugh._

"_Can't it just be our friends and family? I don't want anything else...none of this false hand wringing crap from people who hated my guts."_

"_What no parade down Pennsylvania Avenue? Muffled drums and a riderless horse. I thought your ego would get a kick out of it!" I'd teased trying to lighten the sombre mood._

"_Honestly Sam," He mumbles against my shoulder. "I'm so sick of this place! After what they've said about us, about Jamie! I could vomit! If they think so little of me, I wouldn't want to burden them with providing a state funeral for me when I die."_

"Sam," I turn around at the sound of Alex's voice.

He's carrying the computer and the statement is done but I cannot bring myself to look at it instead I turn back to the window and for the first time today smile at the sight of my granddaughter playing in the grounds.

"She shouldn't have to understand things like this!" I say almost to myself. " She's six years old!"

"And how old was Jamie when his mother died? He turned out just fine!"

I turn around at Alex's reassurance and go to sit down on the swivel chair.

"She's had six years of love from him and she'll never forget that!" Alex assures me. "She's got a loving family who won't let her forget her Grampa 'Osh." He hands me the tablet. "You know Toby and I only did what Josh asked us."

"I know...but how could he not tell me? I was just remembering, Josh was so sure, adamant he didn't want all of the ceremony that goes with a state funeral."

"You know, I remember you asked me to file the plans with the MDW but I never knew what had happened, would never have dreamt of asking."

"They'd been on at us for 6 years to make the plans for Josh's funeral. First it was just after Jamie's kidnap, then it was just one thing after another...eventually I made him face it. I guess I should have known it was the wrong time..."

"Why was that?" Alex asks gently.

"Even though Josh won the election with a bigger percentage of the vote than the first time, the op-ed pieces kept on coming. They could attack him, he didn't care but when they were stupid enough to attack me, or even Jamie..."

"I remember, you could hear him coming down the corridors a mile off! But I don't understand, what does this have to do with funeral plans?"

I give a humourless chuckle and tell Alex about our conversation. "So you see," I finish. "He was adamant, he didn't want anything except a simple service and burial at the library and only friends and family attending...if you had seen him that day, he was so worn down, so tired of it all." I add bitterly.

"Is that when you both started turning down the small stuff...for a while all of the non-essential events were passed to the VP." I nod.

"He got through it, went back to being the same old Josh! But we decided that when we left the White House we'd try and curtail the lecture circuit, in time there would be a foundation yes, after all..." I smile to myself. "Can you imagine Josh with nothing to do!"

Alex smiles and nods in agreement.

"But neither us would sit on any boards and there'd be limited jetting all over the world promoting peace and happiness. We were done, it'd taken enough of us. I guess in the end it took him from me completely."

"Whatever happened though, the two of you were as strong as ever. A lot of people can't say the same."

"Which is why I can't understand why he would go behind my back like this!" I pick up a piece of paper and hand it to Alex. "I wrote this..." I say as I scan over Alex's draft. "You...approve?"

I watch as he reads it, his eyes misting over slightly, and he nods, looking up at me.

"It's the last thing _I _can do for him."

"I understand, Sam, it's perfect. The press are gathered at the gate. CJ's going to head out in a few minutes."

"Ok, Do you mind if I, stay here?" I hand him back the tablet and turn back to staring out of the window.

"Sam, what's wrong with Jamie?"

"Nothing."

"But...you and he..."

"Drop it, Alex! Just drop it!"

I can't get into the problem between Jamie and I, not now. Thankfully he nods and leaves the room, and me to my chaotic thoughts.

A few minutes later and Molly's voice floats up the staircase that CJ is about to make the statement. I'm glad it's going to be CJ who makes the announcement, that's how it should be. Everyone is seated around the two sofas grouped around a coffee table fixed on the TV in the corner. Jamie has his arm around Molly on the sofa. Daniel is seated on the opposite sofa. I smile at as I lift Claudy onto my knee and hold her to me as I sit down next to Daniel.

"_I can confirm we're about to go to the home of the former President where his Chief of Staff CJ Cregg is to make a statement._"

CJ and Alex stride purposefully up the driveway to meet a battery of cameras and reporters from various networks. I try to ignore the rolling news at the bottom of the page announcing Josh's death earlier this morning. Instead I look at CJ and can't help reflecting we're both a older and I greyer but she still has the grace and dignity of a fifties movie star.

"Good afternoon, I have a short statement. It is with the utmost sadness that I have to announce the death of former President Joshua Lyman, from heart failure exacerbated by pneumonia. His husband, Sam, has asked me to thank everyone for their messages of support and condolence. He asked me to include this," CJ looks down at the quote I'd written handed to her by Alex. "Dickens wrote that 'Joy and grief were mingled in the cup; but there were no bitter tears: for even grief itself arose so softened, and clothed in such sweet and tender recollections, that it became a solemn pleasure, and lost all character of pain'." Her voice wavers but the years as Press secretary and then as Josh's chief of staff help her to maintain her composure. "The following days will be painful for those of us who knew him, but in our shared memories we hope to find a way for our grief to be eased. In time the pundits will start writing his legacy, but, for now, let it be remembered that Joshua Lyman was a loving husband, a wonderful father and for the past six years an utterly besotted grandfather." I watch as CJ hesitates at the end of my words as if trying to make a decision. Taking a breath she continues, "To me, he was a friend, one of the best friends a person could have and it was a privilege to have known him and served him as President."

As a barrage of questions start up from the press and TV reporters Alex holds up his hand and steps forward.

"All of the funeral details will be released tomorrow. In the meantime I ask you to respect the privacy of the family at this difficult time. Thank you."

After that I turn the TV off and sit my granddaughter on the sofa and go to meet them at the door.

"OK?" CJ says as she enters the hallway.

"Thank you!" I say as I give her a warm embrace. "You said it right!" And she smiles at a distant memory. "Well," I take a step back. "Claudy and I were about to make some food. Want some lunch, CJ?"

"What is it with you and trying to force food on people all the time?" CJ replies with an eye roll as she follows Jamie and Molly into the kitchen.

"Over twenty years of living with a Jewish partner and mother in law who was constantly feeding us!" I say as I can hear Josh's mother constant refrain in a crisis. "Eat always eat!"

_November 2028_

_"Sam, I'm really not hungry!"_

_J__osh is half lying on the sofa, glasses on, legs covered by a blanket. The TV is blaring out CNN and he has a newspaper and his laptop on his knee. It's election day and Josh is taking a keen interest in the mid-term results although I've had tell him to stop shouting at the TV for fear of raising his blood pressure higher than usual. We ventured out to vote earlier but that was more than enough exercise for him for today and I've insisted he rest much to his annoyance._

"_I don't care! You're going to eat. You don't eat enough vegetables and don't get me started on the salt." I grumble as I pick up his laptop and put it down on the table, fold the newspaper and put the tray on his knee instead. _

_Josh looks disdainfully at the grilled chicken, baby potatoes and green salad that I've prepared. _

"_As I know you're going to complain about this, as an incentive I have included today's cup of coffee." I reply with a crafty look on my face._

"_Ok, ok, I'll eat it!" As I go to fetch my own meal he grabs hold of my hand. "I don't mean to be such a jackass! I'm just sick of having to lay here while you're running around after me."_

"_Darlin!, You're just out of the hospital after having your arteries opened up, you'll soon be back on your feet. I don't mind you being a pain in the ass or running around after you. Now eat!"_

"_God! You sound so much like mom," Josh mutters. "Remember when we first moved in together?"_

"_The food hamper!" I grin. "She sent it to us because she thought we were living too much on pizzas and Chinese food. She wanted Jamie to have some decent meals. So..." I stop as a shadow crosses his face as we're reminded that it's just been five years since she died. Thank god she didn't live to hear the news about her son's condition. "So yeah! I'm channelling your mom and you better get used to it!" I continue at an feeble attempt at humour._

_I kiss the top of his head and head back into the kitchen. He came home yesterday and I'll admit to hovering something which I've accused him of doing with me so often in the past. He's been suffering chest pains on and off for a couple of months and his doctor's recommended the angioplasty. It's made him feel better, but, he hates the convalescence afterwards. So far the heart __failure hasn't impacted on our lives too much in the three years since the diagnosis. But, in the past few months, I've started to notice that he tires quicker, gets breathless just that little bit more often. We don't talk about it, except late at night when he's lying in my arms in the dark, and he confesses how scared he is when he doesn't have to see the devastation and fear that is written all over my face however much I try to hide it._

"_You know what Sam?" His voice rings out as I walk back in with my lunch. "This really isn't that bad." I shake my head and smile as I join him._

2031

10.

"Sam?" I wake to find Molly shaking my shoulder. "We're going to head up now. It's late. There's nothing else we can do tonight."

"OK. You know where everything is. Is Claudy ok?" I ask as I sit up and rub my eyes.

I don't remember falling asleep. The last thing I remember is sitting here in the living room with Alex and Daniel telling Molly the best Josh stories from the White House. You'd never guess from the way she listened to them that she'd heard most of them already from Josh and I. In a weird twist of fate; the young woman Jamie married is the daughter of our former Secret Service agent Chris Rawlins. They met at a barbecue for the children of the staffers and the secret service detail and remained in touch when Molly went to Harvard when Jamie was in his second year of his undergraduate degree.

"We put her to bed an hour ago despite her protests. CJ's gone to bed and Daniel and Alex went out to the guest cottage a few minutes ago."

"Alright, you go up. I'm going to sit down here for a bit. I haven't been in there since Josh...was taken away...and the thought of going in there leaves me cold.""

"Sam, you should get some sleep!" Molly protests.

"I will...just not yet. You go, I'm fine."

She bends down and gives me a hug.

"OK, I'll see you in the morning. By the way, I called Dad earlier. He said to tell you he'd be here but he had to be in DC for some kind of meeting."

"Thank you. He'll be at the funeral though right?"

"Yeah, I'll go up. Oh and don't worry about Jamie...he's just not dealing with this well."

"I know. Can you make sure both of us get some time alone tomorrow?" Molly nods. "Now go! Get some sleep and..." I get up and pull her into a hug. "Thank for today...Josh, he really loved you like a daughter..."

Molly pulls away and I notice the tears in her eyes as head down she quickly leaves the room and I leave the sofa and go to sit in Josh's chair, beside the fire. I lean back then reach for the remote control and Josh's voice fills the room.

"_...t__wenty four PhDs and a counsel of economy advisor, Katie. They have a plan to fight inflation. Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret? Yeah, Danny, we have a secret plan to fight inflation!"_

Despite that fact it was not one of his finest hours I relish the chance to hear his voice again. As the programme progresses pictures of Josh and Jamie float past me in a misty blur, but, I can't seem to take my eyes off it. I feel a hand on my shoulder and the remote control taken out of my hand.

"I want to watch it." I protest.

"You shouldn't...not tonight, come on Sam, stop torturing yourself!"

"No! I need to hear his voice again, please, Molly." She doesn't say anything just squeezes my shoulder then sits down on the sofa. "I'll be fine."" I say as I continue to stare at the TV,

"Why don't I get Jamie, then?"

"No! He needs his rest, as do you!

"And he wouldn't want you down stairs by yourself! If you won't let me get Jamie, then I'm staying."

I nod in defeat there's no good in arguing that all I want is to be left alone as her intentions are good so I let her take a seat on the sofa and we settle down and savour the sound of Josh's voice. I lean my head back and shut my eyes as we let the montage of Josh's life, with home moves and photos of us both play out in front of us and I realise just how bone tired I am. Most of the evening I've spent taking condolences calls from friends and acquaintances; until Jamie wrestled the phone from me refusing to let anyone else speak to me. He reminded me that Alex is arranging for interns to be brought in to deal with letters and messages that are flooding in. I guess I must have zoned out for a while as I suddenly feel a blanket cover me and Molly kisses my forehead; something I used to do to Jamie when he was small, but I don't open my eyes as I hear her turn the TV off. It's only a few short hours since Josh left us, a part of me wants to stay in the day when he was still alive and we could pretend we still had a little time left to us.


	5. Part 2a

**Author's Note: ****We'd like to say thank you to the poster who left feedback for part one of the story and we apologise for the length of time in posting the next chapter. This story is very much a work in progress and a few chapters are being revised before they are posted. However we hope that if you are reading this story you will continue to enjoy it and perhaps from time to time let us know what you think about it.**

Sunday

Sam's POV

The next morning for a moment as I open my eyes I almost expect to feel a nuzzle in the back of my neck and the smell of Josh. Then, as I gradually wake up, the boulder of grief on my chest and the fact I've been lying on our sofa all night; reminds me that Josh is gone and it wasn't a nightmare. Hearing someone moving around in the kitchen, I squint open an eye. It's only 7 am and I don't feel ready to face the sympathetic glances and the forced attempts at normality. My eyes fall on a picture of Jamie and Molly on their wedding day. I can still remember Josh's broad grin when Jamie announced he'd chosen Harvard. It was there he met up with Molly again, then almost a year later, he dropped a bombshell.

_October 2024_

"_Dad?"_

_I'm at my desk on the landing when Jamie makes me jump in my seat._

"_What are you doing here?" I get up to hug him. "Josh and I are not expecting you till next week! "_

"_I...I've got to go back tonight but I needed to talk to you and Josh."_

_I know when Jamie's nervous he starts to fidget and shuffles his feet and I start imagining the worst things that he might be about to tell us. I nod get up go to the staircase and shout downstairs._

"_Josh, stop pretending to work down there! Jamie's here and he wants to speak to us!"_

_Josh is in his study, planning classes for the University lecture's he gives once a month. I tried to be of assistance but he started driving me crazy with his incessant tapping on the desk with his fingers while he was thinking. So, I came upstairs for some peace to do my own work. Jamie doesn't say any more as we wait for him._

"_Jamie!" Josh exclaims. "You weren't meant to be here were you? I didn't hear you come in!" He furrows his brow as he appears on the landing then gives his step hug a bear hug. His hair is in disarray from his constant running his hands through it when he's working and he looks adorable._

"_He needs to talk to us." Josh and I share a look and he sits on a sofa against the staircase. "So what's up?"_

_Jamie looks down at his hands but doesn't say anything and I feel panic rising that something awful has happened. He's been found taking drugs, he's decided to become a drop out and stay in a kibbutz, he's..._

"_Jamie, what is it?" Josh asks unable to bear the uncomfortable silence._

"_Why did you marry Mom?" My son bursts out._

_I raise my eyebrows in surprise._

"_What the hell?..." I splutter. "What's this all about?"_

"_I know you were together a while before I was born but you didn't get married until you found out, right?" Jamie's words come out in a tumble. He knows this, we've talked about it before but I can't figure out where this is going. "Was that why? I know you loved her but not like Josh, so did you marry her just because she was having me?"_

_I give Josh a puzzled stare but he shrugs so I turn back to Jamie._

"_Jamie, listen to me, I loved your Mom, you know that, but if you want to know if I loved her as much as Josh then honestly, no, I didn't. No one has ever come close to Josh, and your Mom deserved better than that! But, in answer to your question I married her because I loved her. When she told me she was having you it was the happiest day of my life."_

"_Would you have married her if she hadn't been?"_

"_Yes...maybe not right away but yes I would." I roll my desk chair closer to him. "Do you want to tell me what this is really about now because you and I have had this conversation many times in the past and I thought everything was settled?"_

"_Molly's pregnant!" Jamie blurts out._

_Alright, so maybe I should have seen that coming but I really didn't think I'd be hearing those words for a while._

"_She's...you're..." I think my head just exploded and I jump to my feet. "How could you be so stupid?"_

"_Dad!" I don't think I even hear him, I'm so angry._

"_Jamie what the hell? Haven't you heard of contraception? I know damn well one of those courses I'm paying for is biology, for Christ's sake! How did this happen?"_

"_Probably the usual way." Is Josh's only smart-ass contribution and I whirl round to face him and he shrugs._

"_You're not helping!"_

"_You flying off the handle like this isn't going to help either."_

"_He's only 20 and Molly's 18! How in the hell do you think they're going to cope with this?"_

"_They're young, yes, and yes they live in student housing but they're not on a crappy budget are they! They're aren't the first and they won't be the last couple to find themselves in this situation." Josh points out. "Money isn't exactly a problem for us Sam and might I remind you that Jamie is due to get Francesca's trust fund in about six months."_

_I stare at my husband open mouthed; doesn't he understand how bad this is? They're too young for this. I don't regret having Jamie for one minute but, I don't think I couldn't have done it is well as I think I have, at that age. I could barely look after myself at that age let alone a baby._

"_Joshua, if you could possibly stop being, you know, you, our son is going to be a father."_

"_Thank you Sam, I did realise that. I just think you're acting a bit over the top without even listening to what Jamie has to say."_

"_Well I'm sorry! But they've only been together for six months and she's his first serious girlfriend. How can he even know what he wants yet?"_

"_We've been together longer than that and I've known her since I was 12!" Jamie exclaims as he flops on the sofa next to Josh._

"_Barely," I shoot back._

"_Sam, really, will you give it a rest."_

"_Well if you two don't need me, I'll just be..." Jamie starts to speak._

"_Stay there," Josh orders and he gets up and stands toe to toe with me_

"_Sam, you've really gotta calm down and try to act like a normal person and not this caricature of yourself that you seem to have become. Why don't we all just sit down and talk about this. Speaking of which, how come Molly isn't with you?"_

"_She has classes today and well...look at us dad!." At my look he carries on, "Do you really think I want her to hear you saying things like this? When you see her I want her to hear you saying congratulations not all of this!" He gets up and heads to the stairs. "I'll be downstairs when you want to treat me like an adult."_

"_Jamie, wait." I put out my hand to stop him and look at Josh. "We're sorry, but you have to see it from our side. You're so young, you and Molly...how do you know that in six months time you won't suddenly realise you're not right for each other...I've made mistakes...I..."_

"_Lisa, being a great example." Josh chimes in._

"_Joshua!"_

"_Hey, I'm just trying to help."_

"_Well you're not! Jamie," I try to speak calmly, "You've got your whole life in front of you! Dean Rogers tells me if you keep going on as you are you could graduate summa cum laude, and I just don't want one moment of stupidity to spoil that."_

"_Dad you know I love you, but if you want to see your grandchild, please don't refer to it that way."_

_My son's voice is cold and I smile at him, I can't help it. He's never really stood up to me like this. Oh we've had fights. Living with a teenager in the White House isn't a fun way to spend some time but he's never really told me off before. I hug him tight._

"_OK, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way." I take a deep breath and try not to put my foot in it any further. "How does Molly feel about this?"_

"_She says she's happy," My son almost collapses on the sofa with relief. " I know we're both still studying, and we don't have a home of our own, but...I love her Dad." The blue eyes are so sincere. "I know I've got a few years left studying and I'm not giving that up. We'll make it work, somehow we will. Molly's courses are shorter than mine, maybe we'll defer for a year, I don't know but we'll figure it out."_

"_Well, Josh and I will help..."_

"_Sure we will!" Josh interrupts eagerly. "We'll get a better house sorted and..." a grin crosses his face. "Look at it this way Jamie, when your Dad finally works it through we'll get to watch him unspool when he realises he's going to be a grandfather."_

"_Shut up, Josh. Come here." I'm still too wound up to joke, and I go over to Jamie and pull him into a hug. "Congratulations."_

"_You're not mad?" He asks as Josh takes over the hugging._

"_Well, I wouldn't say it's how I saw your life going!" I admit. "But, you're an adult and as you and Josh reminded me, there's nothing I can do."_

_I'm going to need some time to get my head around this but now I look at him and I don't see my little boy, I see a grown man. He almost towers over me for a start and I have to let him stand on his own two feet. _

"_Give me a few hours and I'll get my head around being a grandfather and Joshua, I will not be unspooling!"_

"_Jamie..." Josh looks serious for a second, "What was with the questions about your Mom?"_

"_I want to ask Molly to marry me, but I don't want her to think it's just because of the baby. I know we've not been serious that long but..."_

"_Do you want to be married before the baby is born?" Josh asks sitting back down._

"_Yeah but..."_

"_Just talk to her." I urge him. "Your Mom said the same to me, she wanted to know if I was sure but once we talked about it she knew I was serious. Molly loves you."_

"_Yeah."_

"_Jamie, do you have a ring yet?" Josh asks him, already getting back to his feet and he shakes his head._

"_Sam, do you have any family heirlooms waiting to be passed down?" I shake my head as Josh leaves the room._

_My mom didn't want her rings passed on, not after the way my father treated her. Jamie and I exchange puzzled looks and when he comes back Josh hands Jamie a small velvet box._

"_It was my Mom's. My Dad blew his savings on it when he was in law school and she told me before she died that I was to give it to you unless Sam or Francesca had another set aside for you." Jamie stares at him and then opens the box to reveal a thin gold band with a small but impressive looking diamond set into it. "If it's not to your taste I won't be disappointed but...Jamie, I considered you my son long before I actually adopted you, so if you think Molly would like this I'd be honoured for her to wear it. If not, you can keep it for your son or daughter."_

"_Thank you. I don't know what to say. She'll love it." Jamie puts his arm round our shoulders._

_Suddenly I think of something, "Jamie...did you tell Chris and Jan yet?"_

_"Er...no. I wanted to tell you first. We'll go visit at the weekend."_

"_Oh boy, he's gonna kill you." Josh laughs._

_He's not serious but Chris is going to be as shocked and probably as mad as I was. He's always had a soft spot for Jamie, but Molly is his only child, his precious daughter...this may take him a while to work through this, which makes two of us. Maybe we can bond over it. It's been a little strange moving from agent and protectee to the parents of a couple._

_"Josh, stop teasing him. Actually, you know you might want to wait until you've proposed."_

_"Yeah, might be an idea." I grin at Jamie's sheepish reply. "So, are you ready grandpa'?"_

_Oh my God, we're going to grandparents!_

Daniel's POV

I try not to jump as I go to switch on the TV to check the news and hear a soft "Hey Dan!" and see my former boss and now long term friend lying on the sofa. Alex is still face down on the bed snoring loudly in the guest cottage in the grounds, but, I've decided to I'd come over early to lend some moral support to the grieving former first family.

"Sam?"

"What time is it?" He looks up at me and I sigh as I notice he's slept in the jeans and sweat shirt.

"Just after eight" I reply. "Did you sleep down here?" Sam looks round as if only just noticing, this could be worse than I thought. "Oh, Sam."

"I didn't want to go up there." He rubs a two day growth of stubble around his face. "It's ridiculous, right?"

I sit in the chair opposite and I stare at him which he hates, and don't say anything. Josh once told me he disliked it because his mother would do the same thing, just wait for Sam to talk. However, after a few minutes it's clear he's not going to open up to me, so I try again.

"It's not ridiculous, Sam. How many nights did you spend apart from Josh since you left DC?"

"Not that many, only his hospital stays when I didn't stay in the chair, and a couple of times when he couldn't make our visits to Jamie."

I know that's true, hell even in the White House they wouldn't spend a night apart unless absolutely necessary. I often found them curled up sofa in each other's study because they'd been working late and couldn't sleep without the other one there.

"Well there you go. Now, I'm making coffee, you want some?"

"Sure, just like old times." He says but his smile doesn't really reach his eyes. "The old times." He says with a distant look. "It seems the only place I wanna...," Sam pulls himself up. "Hey! Do you remember when you and Alex came to tell Josh and I that you were a couple?"

I laugh letting him go down memory lane, I learned after my father died you sit and listen to the bereaved talk. Sometimes it's the only thing you can do to help and as I settle back in the seat Sam's face brightens a little and he seems to appreciate that I'm willing to listen.

"I was so nervous!"

_The White House - 2019_

_Sam's POV_

_"Who was that?" Josh asks as he comes in from the bathroom._

_Our Sunday morning are sacrosanct, short of a worldwide meltdown, we'll linger a little longer in bed and enjoy each other's company free of staffers and schedules, especially as Jamie had a sleep over at a friend's house. So it's rare that we'll get a phone call from any of the staff._

_"Daniel." I answer as Josh wraps himself back around me. "He and Alex would like to see us. I told them to join us for lunch at twelve thirty."_

_"But Sam...it's Sunday. Do we have to spend the day talking about our image or interviews?" He whines and stops in mid sentence at my smirk._

_"No I know but I don't think that's what they want to see us about." I say with a smile on my face._

_"Oh no, Sam, not this again. There is nothing going on between the two of them!" He insists, flopping back against the pillows. "You've been trying to match make for months now and nothing has happened,! It's time to pay up now and admit you were wrong."_

_"I'm telling you there is!" I insist. " You don't see them together. Whenever Alex comes over to the East Wing for something Daniel gets all flustered and I know you don't need to them to liaise almost every day; yet there's Alex in Daniel's office, nearly every day. I'm right and after lunch it will be your turn to pay up!"_

_"Fine but remember I don't carry money any more. How about you get to choose the movie tonight with no complaining from me!" Josh gets to his feet and reaches for his dressing gown. "I'm gonna get some breakfast! Can I still wear jeans and sweats today?" Is his parting request as he stomps out of the room._

_Alex lives up to his reputation of being a stickler for punctuality and at 12.30 on the dot as Josh and I wade through the Sunday papers there is a knock on the door and he pokes his head around. I smile as I hear a whispered conversation with Daniel. "Are you sure?" "Yes! Sam invited us for lunch!"_

_I risk a glance at Josh who is studiously ignoring my knowing look as I invite the two of them in. Daniel looks nervous, but I can't tell if it's because he's not spent a lot of time in the residence or because of what they want to tell us. As I'm about to start the inevitable conversation the steward informs us that lunch is ready._

_Neither of them elaborate as we begin lunch and we make general small talk. As we're served coffee Josh speaks up._

_"So, what was it you wanted to see us about?" As he speaks Daniel seems startled and puts his cup down heavily causing the coffee to slop over into the saucer._

_"Oh God, I'm so sorry." He grabs a napkin to try and clear it up. Alex reaches out a hand to his arm to calm him down and I smile over at Josh._

_"Dan, it's ok." Alex whispers._

_"Why don't we take the coffee in to the other room and you can tell us what this is all about." I suggest. Once we're seated again I turn to them expectantly. "So…"_

_"The thing is…we wanted to tell you…" Dan stutters over his words and I go to put him out of his misery but Alex jumps in._

_"Daniel and I are dating and we thought it was only right that we told you." Alex says, his eyes on Josh._

_"I knew it!" I exclaim as I turn to Josh with a smirk. "Time to pay up Josh!"_

_"Wha…you knew?" Daniel asks me, forgetting his nerves._

_"I'm not blind, the two of you have made it pretty obvious. Isn't that right Josh?"_

_"Yes Sam and I know you'd like to take some credit but…What would the two of you say if I told you I couldn't have two high profile staffers dating." I can't work out if he's serious, I hope he isn't because there'll be trouble._

_"I'd say that would make you a hypocrite." Daniel blurts out then remembers who he's speaking to. "Sir."_

_"The two of you are going to attract attention, you're going to have reporters follow you, possibly call your families and the things they write won't always be nice. That's going to reflect on all of us."_

_"Joshua." I say warningly. I look at the two of them, Daniel looks angry while Alex is just wide eyed._

_"You never let me have any fun anymore." I glare at him. "Fine. I'm very happy for you both. You're right Daniel it would make me a hypocrite if I told you that you couldn't date, but my other point is true enough. Sam and I know, it's not going to be easy, at least while we're in office."_

_"We know that, sir and thank you." Alex says and he looks a little more relaxed. "We should probably let you get back to your Sunday."_

_"Well I think it's wonderful and I believe you owe me $50 Joshua." At Daniel's outraged face that I would bet on his life I burst into laughter._

2031

"I still can't believe you would bet on us." Daniel says after he's indulged me in my grief and hands me a mug of coffee. I just smile, I don't know what else to say.

"Sam, do you want us all to go, let you be alone with your family?" He leans forward across the table to me.

"No...no...I just...there's nothing for me to do and when I stop and think all I can see is..." I stops, "Never mind. You know after this..." I take a sip off coffee. I think I'm going to go for a run, clear my head a bit."

"OK, just stay away from the phones. Alex and I have got it covered," Dan warns me as I leave the room.

2031

"No, I don't think you _heard_ me correctly! Lieutenant Colonel, I do not wish to be joined by the President when I bury my husband, nor would I like him to make a speech. My husband will lie in state, and then he will have a _private_ family burial, do you understand?"

I knew I should have let someone else pick up the phone but I'd just come in from my jog when it rang and because my thoughts are so much in the past I ignored Dan's warning and picked it up without thinking.

"But, sir, President Jesson has..."

"Like I could give a..." I stop as the phone is snatched from me.

"Lieutenant Colonel, this is Daniel Davis, Mr Seaborn's Chief of Staff, what seems to be the problem?" He waves me away from the phone and I turn to see Jamie and Alex staring at me, but before I can speak, I hear Daniel raising his voice. "Yes, I'm aware of the protocol but President Lyman expressed his wishes very clearly which I'm sure President Jesson will understand. There will be a lying in state to which President Jesson has expressed his intention to attend. However, President Lyman expressly wished the burial service to include family and close family friends only. If you could pass that along...Thank you." He slams down the phone. "Jumped up little..."

"The Lieutenant Colonel or the President?" I ask and for the first time in days I feel I want to laugh, either that or I want to hit something.

"President Jesson would appreciate a chance to pay his respects by giving a eulogy. It's just a coincidence of course that it'll mean he gets to share some limelight."

"Well now, the stress levels in here are pretty high." CJ comes in followed as ever by my granddaughter. Ever since CJ visited when Claudy was almost two, Claudy has adored her and she always follows her around when CJ visits us. "What's happening?"

"Nothing, CJ, Daniel has everything under control," I tell her, and I can't help but add, "as always. Hey buglet, what are you up to?"

"Aunt CJ is telling me Grandpa 'Osh stories."

"Is she now?" Claudy nods, "Well you two carry on, I'm going to shower but maybe I'll come back and join you."

CJ picks up my granddaughter and gives me a knowing look and as I leave I hear her talking quietly to Claudy. "I remember him calling me on the phone the day you were born and he wouldn't be quiet about all the hair you had."

_Mass General Hospital – Boston, MA – 2nd April 2025_

"_Josh would you hurry up! The way you're going our grandchild will get its driving licence before we get there!" I stride along the corridor to the room the nurse has directed us to. Josh is following me but slowly, encumbered by the largest cuddly rabbit the gift shop has to offer. "That thing will be bigger than the baby for at least six months you know."_

_Without waiting I knock on the door and wait until Jamie opens it. He looks exhausted but his eyes are bright and the smile takes over his face. "Dad! Josh! What took you so long?"_

"_Your father drove like an old woman all the way from the airport." Josh complains having reached my side. "He wouldn't let me drive, I mean it's not like I know my way around or anything."_

"_Yes because what you want on the day your first grandchild is born is a citation for speeding. I wasn't the one who had to stop at the gift shop, as if you didn't have enough toys already waiting to give to the baby!" Jamie stands there, arms folded but with a grin on his face._

"_Are you two going to be long or would you like to meet your granddaughter?" With that he opens the door to the room and we go inside. Molly is sitting up in bed, looking exhausted but radiant and I can't help but think back to Jamie's birth. I go over to her and kiss her cheek._

"_Congratulations. I hope he didn't faint?"_

"_No, I didn't!" Jamie's indignant voice comes from across the room._

"_That's good."_

"_Sam, you have to see her." Josh's voice is full of awe and I go to his side. Jamie has placed the baby in his arms and Josh is holding her as if she's a fragile piece of china that might shatter any minute. He looks up at me and smiles. "Isn't she just the most wonderful thing you ever saw?"_

"_She is. You did good kids." I run my finger lightly over her head, feeling her soft skin and her fuzzy brown hair. She squirms and yawns, reaching out one arm and grips onto Josh's lapel. "Does she have a name yet?"_

"_Yeah, er, Dad, I wanted to talk to you about that." Jamie's voice is quiet, "I know if we're going to name her after anybody it should be Mom or Nana but..."_

"_Jamie," I have to interrupt, "I never expected you to do that. They were two exceptional women and...whatever you pick, it's your choice and it should be right for her, not because you feel you should. Now what's her name?"_

"_Claudia. Claudia Seaborn." Jamie announces._

"_Just perfect! Molly don't worry about Josh and babies he's had so much practice on campaigns holding and kissing them!" I hug my son, smiling over his shoulder at his wife of five months as she watches anxiously as Josh walks up and down with her precious bundle in his arms. I then turn and stretch out my arms towards Josh._

"_Joshua, is there any chance of you letting me hold my granddaughter?"_

At the sound of Claudia's excited chatter in the hallway I go to see what has got the little girl so excited and I hurry downstairs.

"I'm taking Claudia shopping!" Molly answers my question as she buttons up her daughters blue coat. "She needs a dress for tomorrow and Wednesday."

"I thought I'd go too!" CJ announces. "Alex and Dan seem to have things covered so," she lifts Claudy up high and swings her around which sends her into a fit of giggles.

I was feeling marginally calmer after a shower and ready to face the first full day without Josh, now I'm momentarily thrown by the urgent need to go dress shopping.

"She... has... dresses; she has more dresses than Barney's!" I splutter and I'm not exaggerating; that child's wardrobe could rival any First Ladies!"

"Not a black dress." I look up at Jamie coming in from the kitchen a mug of coffee in one hand and an apple Danish in the other. He avoids my gaze and I sigh. I know I need to talk to him, CJ told me as much earlier, but we've both said too much in the past few weeks and I don't know where to start.

Wherever I turn there are people, the house is feeling more and more claustrophobic. "She told Molly last night that she wants to say 'bye bye' to Grampa 'Osh."

What the hell? My brain can't comprehend a six year old understanding enough to know about funerals. "No, no way! I can't believe you're even considering it. She's too young."

"Molly and I have talked about it, she'll be fine."

"Sam, she'll be ok, if she gets upset, I'll take her out so she doesn't disturb the service."

"I couldn't give a damn about that. She's too little, this isn't going to be a normal funeral. I can't believe you're even thinking about this!"

"You don't get to decide this!" Jamie shouts at me. Before I can respond, I feel Claudy's hands batting at my hip. When I look down she has tears streaming down her face and her expression breaks my heart.

"Grampa, stop shouting!"

"I'm sorry Claudia...Grampa's just worried that you'll get too upset saying goodbye to Grampa 'Osh. Why don't you stay here with your Grandma Jan?" I say of Molly's mother.

"No!"

"Claudia..."

"For God's sake, Dad..." Jamie picks Claudy up and holds her close. "If she wants to go she can go."

"She doesn't know what she wants! She's too young to understand...how the hell are you going to explain that Josh is in that coffin! Isn't there going to be any part of this funeral that I have any say over?"

At that Claudy starts crying even harder, and I can make out Josh's name in her sobs. Jamie kisses her and hands her to his wife arms before advancing on me. All I can do is stand still, unable to move, unable to believe that I've upset my family, but unable to stop the words coming out of my mouth.

"Are you happy now?" Jamie demands hands on hips so like me in a defiant mood that under normal circumstances we'd start laughing and ragging each other. Today we're so consumed with grief that Jamie blunders on. " Do _you _have to decide everything for everyone? Leave it, Dad, leave it to us, we're her parents!"

"I..." There's nothing I can say.

"Dad...I..." Jamie begins and I move away from his hand on my arm. In my haste to remove myself temporally from the shocked and concerned faces of family and friends, I stumble past them down the corridor to Josh's study. He's everywhere I turn in the house but here I can close the door but it's here I feel closest to him even though he last used the room several weeks ago.

TBC


	6. Part 2b

Sunday

Seaborn-Lyman Residence – Charlottesville, VA – 2031

Daniel's POV

About half an hour later, I've drawn the short straw as the best person to speak to Sam. Jamie is still too angry and while CJ might have been the first choice she and Molly have kept to their plan to take Claudy into Charlottesville for a new dress. I suspect it's partly to divert the little girl from the _atmosphere_ of gloom, _grief_ and tension that prevails throughout the house.

I gently tap on the door and there's a moment before I hear a soft "come in."

"Sam, can I talk to you for a minute?"

It's a moment before he turns around to face me and even then it seems he's been somewhere else, perhaps revisiting happier times, and it's a while before he actually registers my presence.

"I'm surprised it took you so long." Sam says after a moment of awkward silence. "The only thing I'm more surprised about is that I'm not being taken to task by my son...again."

Considering Jamie is still prowling around downstairs in the kitchen and there's been a lot of slamming of doors, I can't see a thawing of the tension between father and son for a while. It's a shame because they've always been so close and I see it as my duty to bang some heads together so they can get on with providing comfort to each other during the following weeks, months, however it takes them to come to terms with Josh's death.

"Do you really think it's a bad idea for Claudy to go tomorrow?" I venture sitting down amongst a pile of papers and magazines on a couch at the other side of the room.

"She's six years old!"

"That's not what I asked, Sam."

"Dammit Daniel! Did you come here just to antagonise me?"

"No, since Josh..." I stop as his face darkens at my blunder and start again. "I came to talk some sense into you..." I look down at my hands to avoid his withering gaze. "Perhaps to you both!"

"I'm fine! I just can't believe anyone thinks it's OK for a six year old to be subjected to her grandfather's funeral! Not to mention all the attention that comes with a state funeral! She's never been exposed to it like her father was."

"I know," I can see his point but we've gotta make Sam see sense. So I carry on and remind Sam that it's Jamie and Molly's decision to make not his. I try not to look as if I'm not wiping my sweaty palms on my pants something I've not done since I've done on my early days working for Senator Green on the Hill. There's a uncomfortable silence but I can see that Sam has seen my nervous gesture.

"It's OK," He says a little softly. "You can relax I'm not gonna shoot the messenger. It's just..." He fiddles with an antique pen I recognise that he gave Josh a few years back. "I sound like a broken record but nobody seems to be listening to my wishes."

"Sam, I don't know exactly what's going on between you and Jamie but perhaps if you both sat down and discussed what's eating you both. Or if you can't do that at least put your issues on hold until after the funeral."

Alex has mentioned a few issues around Jamie's visits to Josh before he died so I'm not completely in the dark but I've never seen the two of them like this.

"I'm not the one with the problem." Sam mutters resentfully.

"Sam..."

"It's nothing to do with you Daniel, stay out of it." With that he turns back to his desk away from me.

"Right," I get to my feet with a heavy sigh. "Well if you're not even gonna try and be reasonable I'll be downstairs helping Alex with the calls."

"What calls is Alex answering?" He asks me, without looking at me, and I suddenly realized that I've opened a way for father and son to at least start talking again.

"Condolence calls, a few from the State Department, the press."

"What do State want?" Sam demands. "I'll deal with them."

"Alex has everything under control. There's a few people coming in to answer the telephones and deal with emails. You don't need to be worrying about it."

"How many are there?"

"Sorry?" I blink and I'm beginning to think he's not even hearing me properly now.

"Condolence calls. How many?" Sam repeats impatiently.

"I haven't got the numbers but there from the majority of the Heads of State, then thousands of messages from the public and friends. You don't have to worry about it for the present, that's why Alex and I are here. We're gonna set up a temporary office to deal with the condolences. Remember?"

"While I do what, exactly?" He snaps at me and I sigh again as it seems I haven't got through to Sam.

"Maybe you should start by talking to your son." I get to my feet and stand with my arms folded. It's time for me to get tough. He always said when he was my boss that he wanted someone to argue with him, to push him, and I never really had to but it looks like it's needed now. "Because whatever is going on, the two of you are going to need each other!"

"I will, when I'm ready."

"Sam!"

"Can't I even make a decision about when I talk to my son now?" He paces up and down, "Everything else has been decided by someone else, or arranged without my input."

"Fine, I, the whole family have got the message and we'll try and do something about it." I soften my tone as I remember that I'm being harsh on a newly bereaved person. "But you've gotta remember that Jamie is hurting too. He spoke to Dr Jameson before he came here he's worried about you. Don't shut him out. I know this doesn't mean anything right now but you are not on your own. You have your family, you have all of us. We're all here for you."

"For Josh."

"No, Sam, for you. If it were for Josh we'd be there for him for as long as he needed us! You know how it works in DC, Sam, even for a group as close as us, there's no time for anything much, but Alex has been here for two weeks, I've blown off about six important meetings to come here, for you, to make sure you're ok. To make sure you have everything you need to get you through this. We're your friends, me, Alex, CJ, everyone, you have to let us help you."

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair a rare gesture from Sam and it shows the depth of misery he has sunk to.

"I know, and I appreciate all you're doing but I still have to remember that when you've all gone back to your lives, I'm here without mine. I'm on my own Dan, and I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to do this." I give a shudder at the rawness of his voice. " I'm so angry that I did nothing even though that's just what he wanted...and then..." He gets up and stands in front of the window, staring out blankly. "Would you mind leaving me alone?"

"Fine but please, Sam, talk to Jamie."

I watch for a few minutes as he just stares out of the window and as I leave I catch a glimpse of Claudia playing outside with Molly. At least Sam has that little girl to keep him occupied.

As I pass by the kitchen, Jamie's sitting at the kitchen table staring into space and he turns with a tear streaked face to me. I tell him that I've tried my best to reason with Sam and we can only wait to see if he makes the first move. At my suggestion that Jamie might wanna head outside for some fresh air and some time with his family; he follows me out into the garden and I head towards the guest cottage. I hope that Alex is there for support and perhaps we'll watch some TV (anything but the news) and get some sort of temporary respite from the drama at the main house.

Sam's POV

The sun is setting and casting long shadows over the study and I want Jamie and I to have made up before we leave for DC in the morning. So I shake myself into action and go into the closet on the ground floor. Staring in the mirror I take in the bloodshot eyes, and pale cheeks. I sigh and splash water on my face and as I enter the hallway Jamie and I meet in the middle.

"I was just..."

We say simultaneously and I open my arms and Jamie falls into them and we hold on tightly to each other.

"I've been such a jackass," Jamie says in my right ear and I release him.

"So have I," I admit in a horse voice. "Listen let's grab a beer, I think you and I need to talk, don't you?"

Jamie nods and as so I grab two beers from the fridge and head outside whilst Jamie tells me that Molly is putting Claudy to bed and CJ is with Alex and Dan in the cottage finalising the timetable for the lying in state. We sit down on the seat that Josh and I used when deciding whether to buy the house. It needs replacing but we kept it out of nostalgia. For a moment we sit in silence watching as the sun drops behind the hills. Josh and I often did this before and after he got sick. When he was sick we'd wrap ourselves in blankets and sit here for hours and talk.

"Jamie, we both know that being at each other's throats isn't helping us or anyone else, who have come to see us through what's gonna be a horrendous week ahead of us. So," I take a swig of beer. "This is the chance to get what is eating you out of your system."

"You know what's wrong Dad!"

"Jamie..." I sigh, "I...what did you want me to do? Josh didn't want to stay in the hospital."

"You could have convinced him. You _should _have convinced him."

"When has anyone ever been able to convince Josh to do anything he didn't want to do? What did you want me to do, force him? You think that would have made everything miraculously better?"

"Josh wasn't someone who gave up! He wouldn't have stopped fighting, he never did!"

"Jamie, he didn't give up. Is that what you think? He knew that he didn't have much time left, no matter what anyone did, that's not giving up, that's just facing facts. It's not like we didn't know this was going to happen one day."

"We should have had longer." Jamie cries in anguish. "You should have convinced him, he could have gotten better, you don't know what could have happened." He sounds like a scared little boy and I feel tears pricking at my eyes.

"Yes I do. Jamie, do you think I'm the one who made the decision? Do you think _I_ decided that Josh should die at home? Is that what all this anger is about?"

"I don't know what to think! One minute he's fine... then suddenly he has pneumonia and nothing's being done!"

"Jamie...tiger, he wasn't fine...he'd been getting worse for months. After the pneumonia he just couldn't fight anymore. The doctors and I did everything they could for him but there was nothing else to do and despite the treatment the pneumonia just left him too weak. The doctors explained to us both what would happen and that all they could do if he stayed in hospital was make him comfortable. He was too weak for any kind of surgery, even if it could have helped. Everything just happened so quickly. He didn't want to be there anymore!" I finish a little bitterly.

"Did you even try and talk him out of it?" He's pacing in front of me.

"Of course I did but I knew it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be here." He just stares at me like I've let him down and I shake my head, "Do you really think I didn't want more time with him? Don't you think I'd give _anything _for him to be sitting here now? For God's sake, Jamie, would you listen to yourself. If I thought for one minute we could have had longer I'd have made him stay."

He doesn't reply, and I wish that when Jamie visited us Josh always made out that he was better, which couldn't have been further from the truth, perhaps if he'd been more upfront we wouldn't have been having this conversation now.

"Would you have wanted Josh to be in pain?"

"What?" Jamie stares at me in surprise. "No! Of course not, I thought he had pain medication."

"He did. Tiger, I but I don't mean physical pain. Think of Josh when he was well. He was the shadow of the man he once was. He hated the restrictions his illness put on his life and you know how he hated to be idle or bored. He hated people having to do things for him, hated being helpless. You were here last week and even though he always brightened when you were here would you want him to be in that state for any longer?"

"No...but..."

"Josh was too weak to get out of bed without help, he couldn't sleep comfortably, couldn't do much at all. Is that the kind of life you think he wanted?"

Jamie doesn't reply, just shakes his head and looks at the floor. "Come here," I open up my arms and he comes back to sit beside me and I put my arms around him as he sobs. "It's alright. I know it's a cliché and you know how I hate them. But, he's not hurting anymore. That's what we have to remember."

"I'm sorry," Jamie breaks apart and wipes his nose on his sleeve something I always used to tell him off for doing so as a child. "I didn't mean to..."

"I know you didn't. I wanted him to tell you how bad things were but you know Josh, always protecting you. Perhaps I should have explained why he didn't stay in the hospital."

Jamie frequently visited us in the last few weeks of Josh's life but Josh was insistent that he didn't miss any of Claudia's school events that had been scheduled at the end of the school year. Luckily Jamie and I had kept our disagreement from him because he would have hated us to have been at each other's throats like we have been. I hope we're past that now, because I don't think I can get through this without him.

There's nothing more I can say and for a while we just sit and I keep my arms around my son, thinking how long it is since he's needed me like this. I doubt we're completely over this, I still doubt that I did the right thing not calling for an ambulance but deep down I know it wouldn't have changed anything and all I would have done is break the promise I made to Josh.

"So now you know. Josh didn't just protect me he was always thinking of you."

Jamie nods and pulls away from me slightly and drinks his beer.

"No...Are we ok now?" I ask earnestly. "If I could have changed anything, I would have, you do know that don't you? He made me promise and I always tried to keep my promises to him, however hard it was."

"I really am sorry. I've been an jackass."

"Not gonna deny that, but, we both have and it doesn't matter anymore, nothing much matters right now. Except that it's just us two again and I don't' think I can do this without you!"

"I'm always here dad," Jamie says a little chocked up at my passionate declaration. "If you don't want Claudy to come tomorrow she can stay here with Molly's Mom." He says, thankfully changing the subject.

"No, you were right...God, this is ridiculous. Why can't we just sit here and talk without feeling like we're walking on eggshells? I'm sorry for upsetting Claudy earlier on, I just don't want her to be scared."

"She'll be fine. We'll all be there with her. I think it will help her...I know I was a lot younger but when I was little and I missed Mom, I would wonder if she was mad that I hadn't said goodbye."

"Jamie..."

"It's alright, Dad, I grew up and I know why you didn't take me, I _was_ too young, but Claudy is old enough to understand that Josh isn't coming back and Molly and I think she needs to go."

"Ok...you know...earlier I wasn't...you and Molly you're her parents, I shouldn't interfere."

"Ok, enough. Without you and Josh, Molly and I wouldn't have known what to do when Claudy was born." He stops, takes a sip of his beer and sighs, "Dad, are you really happy with all the arrangements?"

"I...I have to be."

"That's not an answer, counsel. I thought you and Josh had decided on a private funeral?"

"He did but that was years ago. After your abduction we just couldn't face it...but I finally made him discuss it and we came up with the least public arrangements we could. Maybe it was a reaction to all the publicity we'd had, I don't know but as far as I was concerned those plans were still in place."

"But..." He prompts and I shake my head at his persistence.

"But I'm as mad as hell at for excluding me from the arrangements especially after I thought we'd agreed on a private funeral. Now I've gotta put family and friends through the rigmarole of a state funeral. He knew I would be facing this without him but he didn't even tell me so that I could prepare myself for it."

"Maybe he just didn't get chance."

"I mean would it have killed Toby to call me and just mention it, or even just get me to talk to Josh about it?"

"So you're mad at Toby?"

"You're damn right I am!"

"Well that won't be the first time. So get them to change it. Tell them what you want! I've got your back," I smile but shake my head.

"No, it's what Josh wanted. Anyway it's too late, everything has been set. I'll do what he wants...I just wish I'd known..."

"He probably didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you, Dad. As for Toby...well..."

"Why would he change the habit of a lifetime, huh? Oh...hell, I shouldn't be mad at him should I, but part of me wishes he was here for me to yell at for not telling me! I'll deal with Toby another time!"

"I don't see what's wrong with that. Just...let me help you...ok?"

"Jamie, you don't have to. You've lost him too."

"My job is to take care of you, to help you."

"Your job is to be here for your family and to let them look after you. I don't need looking after." He snorts. "I don't."

"Dad, do you want me to recount all the times Josh looked after you, or Suzie, or Donna?" He picks at the label on his beer bottle for a while, as if he's debating whether to say something to me or not. "Do you remember when I came down last Tuesday? I stayed with Josh when he made you have lunch with Daniel. I guess I should have realised then how bad things were. He told me I should look after you, that you wouldn't know what to do with yourself.

"He...he didn't say anything to me."

"Well no, that's just Josh. The one thing Josh always did, no matter what was happening, was make sure you were ok."

"You too, you know that."

"I do but...the day of the metro bombs, he looked after me, made sure I was ok, but he didn't concentrate on a single word that his advisers said until he saw you. You had to be ok for Josh to even function." He shrugs, "You're the same. The two of you...Dad you were the best parents I could wish for, and if I can be half as good for Claudia she'll turn out just fine but sometimes, there was just the two of you, no one else could get in. Even when you weren't speaking you had to know that each other was ok."

"I..." I don't know how to answer him; I never knew he noticed so much about Josh and me.

"So Josh told me I had to make sure you were ok, because you'd spent so long thinking about him that you'd forget to take care of yourself."

"God...he...he's unbelievable. I don't think he ever thought I was capable of taking care of myself."

"Well, no, because usually you didn't. I've heard all the stories, Dad, you slept in your office for a week when you found out about your father. Josh told me he and Uncle Toby had to get you drunk to get you to even go home. Do I have to do that now to get you to sleep in your own bed?"

"Just...I can't talk about that right now. I can't sleep in that room...not yet."

"Fine but, Dad, I'm not going to stop looking after you. Josh wanted me to, just like..." he takes a deep breath, "the way he came and took care of you when Mom died."

_California – 2008_

"_Mommy!" I jerk awake at Jamie's cry and almost fall out of bed in my haste to get to him. As it is I scatter the law books I was poring over in bed last night, all over the floor. I hurry into the nursery and my heart aches at the sight before me. Jamie is standing up in his cot his eyes wet with tears and he's clutching his precious teddy bear. I go over to him and pick him up and hold him close._

"_Hey tiger, it's ok." His chubby hands are clinging to my t-shirt as I carry him over to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. "Want Mommy," Jamie wails. I brush back his hair and kiss his flushed forehead. "I know you do tiger. I want Mommy too." It's six weeks since Geena's death and the tears still come readily to my eyes._

_"Mommy loves you tiger, you know" I whisper._

_"Want Mommy."_

_"I know Jamie, but Daddy's here and Nana too." I gently rock him until he quietens down then I wrap a blanket around him and sit back in the chair. _

_I'm woken the next morning by the doorbell and a kick in the ribs from my son. Getting up with him still in my arms, I carry him downstairs. "Who can this be then tiger? Come on let's go see." I don't believe my eyes when I open the door. Josh is standing there, large as life, dressed inappropriately for the California heat, in his suit and overcoat and the legendary backpack in its usual place._

"_Josh…I…What are you doing here? Uh come in." I stutter like a fool. I'm too tired to wonder why he's here again so soon. He flew out as soon as he was told about mine and Geena's accident and he stayed throughout the funeral and only went home three weeks ago. We fell back into our friendship as if it had been only days since we saw each other or spoke, not years and while my heart still ached at his betrayal, it had seemed so inconsequential when I'd just lost my wife. I haven't forgiven him, I don't know if I ever will but it felt so good to have someone to take care of me, to have my friend back at least._

"_I had a few days free so I thought I'd come back out and say hello."_

"_Yeah." I realise I'm still standing in the doorway as Josh puts down his bag and starts making faces at Jamie. _

"_God you look awful. Do you want me to make you some coffee?" I'll admit I'm not at my best, dressed as I am in ratty old t-shirt and boxer shorts, hair all over the place and I'm sure bags under my eyes._

"_I'm sorry if I'm not immaculate but I don't know if you remember I lost my wife a few weeks ago." I can't help my sarcastic reply._

"_Sam!" Josh exclaims. "That's not what I meant at all."_

_I sigh and look at him. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't sleep much last night."_

"_Sam, why don't you go back to bed now, I can take care of Jamie." I shake my head. "Sam, you're exhausted. When did you last eat?" I shrug my shoulders._

"_Yesterday morning maybe. I don't have much of an appetite."_

"_Come on, I'll make us something, food on the plane was disgusting as usual. Want me to take Jamie?" I shake my head and put Jamie down on the floor and watch as he heads straight for his toy box in the corner of the living room. Happy he's occupied I head to the kitchen, narrowly missing hitting the doorframe as I head through it. Josh's arm shoots out to steady me_

"_Sorry," I mumble, "Must be tired."_

"_Ok, living room." He takes my arm and leads me back to the sofa. "Come on, sit down." He instructs me and smiles at Jamie sitting on the floor with his teddy bear, watching the two of us._

"_What will he eat? I'll make something."_

"_He'll eat anything...cereal I guess. Josh, you don't have to do this."_

"_I know but I'm doing it." A gentle shove sends me back against the sofa. Now you, just try and resist the urge to move about as you usually do." I smile weakly and he heads out of the room. I close my eyes and immediately I'm confronted by images of a smashed up car and blood so I open them again and see Jamie climbing up behind me._

"_Is toast ok? You didn't have much." Josh's voice startles me a few minutes later._

"_Toast is fine." Josh hands me a plate and a mug of coffee before picking up Jamie and sitting down and grabbing a bowl of cereal._

"_You'll end up wearing it." I warn. "He thinks he can do it himself but he hasn't got the coordination figured out yet." Josh nods but carries on._

_I watch as he bravely hands Jamie the brightly coloured plastic spoon and holds the bowl for him. I can't resist smiling when a few minutes later Jamie splashes Josh with soggy cereal. Seconds later my eyes fill with tears, and when Josh notices he puts Jamie down and comes over to me._

"_Hey, it's ok Sam."_

"_No it's not." I wipe a hand over my eyes before I continue. "How is it ok Josh?" I don't know how anything is ever going to be ok for me again._

"_I don't know what to say Sam but you've got to stay strong for Jamie. You have to keep everything together for him."_

"_And who's going to keep it all together for me?" I must sound at the end of my tether because Josh puts his arms around me and holds me as I let the tears finally come._

"_Me." I hear him whisper as he holds me._

2031

"Josh told me years ago what happened between you two. He knew I wouldn't ask you but I was curious about how you got together so he sat me down and told me what happened and how he tried to help you when Mom died. I hated him for what he'd done to you. For weeks I hardly spoke to him."

"I remember that, he told me it was because of Michael's Dad being posted to England." Jamie says reminding me of his best friend from the first day he started school. I shake my head at my Josh, always protecting me. "You know, if he hadn't done what he did, I wouldn't have you. It took me a long time to find a silver lining to what he did but you and your Mom, you were it."

We sit in silence for a while as the sun finally sets and the darkness starts to fall.

"When this is over, I want you to come and stay with us." Jamie tells me. "I have to study but it'd be nice to have you stay with us."

"Maybe...I can't think much past tomorrow at the moment."

"Well you're not locking yourself away up here."

"When did you get to be such a grown up?" I joke. "Just let me get through the next few days and then I'll try and think about what I'm going to do next."

"Fair enough but I'm not above using your granddaughter as a bargaining chip." I laugh for the first time today. Josh has influenced him more than I thought. I nod and he leans over and hugs me before getting up. "Speaking of which, she was pretty upset, Dad." I hear the gentle rebuke in his voice and once again feel ashamed for making her cry.

"I know and I'm sorry, again. I'll go up and talk to her in a bit before she goes to bed."

"Sure, you coming in?"

"I'll be in soon. Go hug your daughter." When he's gone I put down my beer and put my head in my hands as for the first time today the tears fall hard and fast and I have no earthly idea how I'm going to get through the next few days.


	7. Part 3a

Monday

Seaborn-Lyman Residence – Charlottesville, VA – 2031

Sam's POV

"Sam, we ought to be getting ready." Alex says as he enters the kitchen.

He's all business like clutching his notepad in one hand and phone in the other. You'd think this was just another meeting in the White House. But, his designer black suit, white shirt and black silk tie, denotes this is the start of a state funeral. I still simmer with resentment since I've discovered how far he, Daniel and Toby collaborated with Josh on the funeral arrangements. My hasty contribution is the insistence on some of the guests and how I receive the coffin at the top of the Capitol Building.

No matter how much it hurts, I have to acknowledge how far Alex and Daniel have risen to the challenge set by Josh; the endless phone calls to the State Department have resulted in ensuring that his wishes were agreed to the letter.

"Your military escort, lead by General Nielson, will be arriving in two hours and the motorcade won't be far behind." Alex continues whilst consulting his notebook.

"Thanks Alex. I'm aware..." I begin a little prissily and pour what is probably my fourth coffee of the morning. "The general isn't riding in the car with us is he?" I ask changing the tone of my voice to sound more neutral. Now is not the time to vent what I know is unjustified anger.

"No, he'll be in the car behind, he'll greet you when we reach the Capitol and make sure you know where to go." I nod my thanks not trusting myself to keep a lid on my temper. "I'll just be outside with Dan briefing the press and making sure they know the boundaries one last time."

"You really miss keeping them in line, don't you?" I manage to joke to show him that nothing is wrong. Alex's tense posture relaxes at my weak attempt at humour and he laughs and heads out into the hallway.

For a moment I stand clenching and unclenching my hands and trying to deep calming breaths, I just feel so out of control. I just have to do what I'm told and perhaps I'll get through the day.

I sigh and leave the kitchen, clutching my mug of coffee, and I wish that the toast would stop churning in my stomach. My muscles feel like wet bags of sand attached to my bones. I had an hours sleep last night and feel like I could sleep twenty-four hours a day. It's my desire to see that Josh is escorted with due honour in to the Capitol Building, that keeps me on track through the day.

The house is quiet, Claudy is out in the grounds with Jamie and Molly preparing her for today's events. CJ is with Daniel no doubt hearing that I'm a bit tetchy this morning. I look at my watch and I've got one and a half hours to shower, change, and finish packing. I give a sigh as I stand outside our master bedroom. My hand shakes a little as I go to unlock the door and I frown because it's remained closed since Josh was taken away two days ago. I guess that Molly has been in as the oxygen cylinder and various medical items beside Josh's side of the bed have been removed and the bed changed. My best suit is laid out on the bed with a selection of appropriate ties. My throat tightens when I realise it is the suit, one of Josh's favourites that I bought for our European vacation.

I give a cursory glance at a suitcase by our bed and at the ties but something propels me to Josh's side of the walk-in closet. Josh discarded most of his ties after he left office, but he kept a dark blue silk tie with a silver JJ, which was Jamie's nickname for him, embroidered inside, that Jamie gave him as a birthday present. I want to have something of Josh's close to me and I try not to notice that my hand still trembles as I lay it on the bed to check that it will go with the suit.

Sitting down on Josh's side of the bed I see his glasses on the night stand next to the last spy novel I'd taken to reading to him. I smile at the faded book marker from Jamie, when he and I visited Cambridge in England. Instead of taking a shower, I put down the coffee mug and open the drawer filled with detritus that he found useful: news clippings that he found interesting and hadn't put in his study. My hand lingers on the inscription on the back of a watch, I gave him for our first White House Christmas and which my husband wore on special occasions. I find myself sliding off the watch he brought me and placing his watch next to my suit.

A few minutes later, as I stand in the shower, tears mingle with the cascading water as I remember a faint linger of Josh's cologne on the watch strap. I let the hot pounding water, run over my tense shoulders whilst I try to compose myself.

"Dad? Are you ready?" Jamie's voice floats through the door as I finish dressing and am making sure my collar is straight and my tie isn't crooked.

"Almost, come on in." I reply as I sit down on my side of the bed to fasten my cuff-links; silver with our nation's flag on, a birthday present from Josh and inevitably as I fumble one drops on to the carpet.

"It's almost time to leave." Jamie enters looking uncomfortable in his suit. He looks almost as uncomfortable in a suit as Josh used to.

"Did Molly do that?" I say as I nod towards the suitcase I've opened to find my clothes for the next three days neatly packed. "She knows me so well!" I add with a grin as I reach down to pick up the cufflink. My eyes fall on the photograph by my bed. It's of Jamie and Josh, on Air Force One, Josh is seated at the desk with Jamie feet stretched out on a couch head buried in a book.

"Yeah, you left the key in the hallway dad and she came up here whilst you were having breakfast." Jamie explains as he follows my gaze. "She thought you wouldn't have the time to finish packing. You don't mind do you?"

"No, I appreciate it. I was just doing my cuff-links." I try to fasten it again but once more it drops to the floor, "Damn!"

"Here let me." He kneels in front of me and deftly fastens my cuffs and follows my gaze to the photo "I always liked that one! Josh would always do this for you, and you would do his tie."

"He liked it, said it was our thing." I say with a smile of remembrance as Jamie gets to his feet. "Thank you. Is Claudy ok?" I ask checking one more time that my tie is straight.

"She's a bit upset but she's ok. I asked her if she wanted to go straight to Blair House with Jan, but she said no. Molly says that if she gets upset at the service, she'll take her out. Dad, are we ok?"

"We're always ok!" I reassure him. "If she gets upset you should be with her too. I don't give a damn if it disrupts the service."

"No, I'll be with you at the Capitol." Jamie replies firmly jutting his chin out. "Josh would have my hide if I let you go through this alone." He grins, succeeding in lightening the atmosphere enough for me to pull myself together.

After he'd put Claudia to bed, Jamie came to me and told me that in retrospect he understands now just how ill Josh was on his last visit. I reminded my son how I'd begged Josh to let me call him back but he wouldn't hear of it.

"Thank you. You know he was very proud of you don't you?" I reassure my son who looks close to tears and I get up and put my arms around him.

"He didn't understand your studies anymore than I did but he'd tell everyone all about it, never shut up about you. Come on, we should go."

We head for the stairs but I stop at the door. "Hang on," I tell Jamie and go inside. I open my bedside drawer and reach inside, picking up Josh's ring that he insisted I keep. I slip it onto my finger alongside my own ring before going back to Jamie and I give him an encouraging pat on the back. "Ok, let's go."

It's a very awkward gathering of friends of family in the hallway. I've been through this ritual before with my late wife; all of us trying to understand the loss but at the same time putting on a brave face for Claudy. She stands out from all the adults wide eyed with curiosity and after I vetoed the decision for her to be dressed in black she looks very pretty in a purple dress. After hugging my daughter in law to thank for packing the suitcase, I reach for my granddaughter and hold her tight, trying not to crush the skirt.

"Hey buglet, you look pretty." She doesn't say anything, just buries her head in my shoulder. Molly goes to take her but I shake my head and walk away slightly. It helps having something to distract me and I still feel guilty and upsetting her so much yesterday.

"Did you pick the dress yourself?" She nods, "Grampa 'Osh would like it very much you know." I feel her lift her head. "Are you sure you want to come today? You don't have to. I won't be cross I promise!

"No," I swear she juts out her chin just like her father. "Want to say bye to Grampa 'Osh. Miss him."

"Me too, buglet, me too. You can sit with me in the car, ok?" She smiles and my heart lifts just a bit.

"It's time, Sam, they're outside." Alex says and all of a sudden, Daniel is at my side, arms full of my overcoat and his own. Not that I'll need it as it's an unseasonably warm day. "The support car will carry your our luggage and Julia," He says referring to Josh's former personal aid. "She'll lock up the house and follow us. "

"She'll be present at the lying in state?"

"Yes and she'll be staying at Blair House."

"Good," I reply as I bend down to kiss my granddaughters cheek. "Josh loved her and Donna like sisters. "Now let's go!"

After Josh's second term we've returned to DC for just a handful of public appearances each year. Now I have to return and go back into the spotlight greet the waiting military escort and begin the unbearable task of saying goodbye to my Josh.

Jamie's POV

"Sam,"

I notice that it takes dad a while to register that Alex is talking to him. I'm sure that he was in his own world with memories of Josh and not watching the Virginia countryside go past.

"Can we talk through the arrangements at Blair House?" Alex prompts consulting his computer tablet.

I wish he'd put the damn thing away! I appreciate that this is a state funeral but can't they leave my dad alone for a while! For a moment I consider asking Alex to swap seats so that Claudy, who sits between Molly and I, can distract dad for a moment. She adores her grandfather and can lift him out of an introspective mood. But, she's sitting as close to me as her car seat will allow with her hand clamped in mine.

"Go on." Dad says wearily.

"I need to confirm one more time the invited guests to Blair House tonight. The family of course, myself and Daniel, Julia, CJ, Toby, Donna and Ryan and their family but I've had an email to say that they're delayed in London but will be in time for the funeral." Alex scrolls down the list. "You've invited Peter Jameson and his family..."

Nothing like stating the obvious!

"Dad knows all of this doesn't he?" I say sarcastically and shift in my seat as I notice a slightly glazed look in dad's eyes.

"I'm sorry Jamie but..." Alex begins apologetically.

"Jamie!" I jump in the seat at the mild rebuke from dad. "Alex has his job to do! You've probably forgotten the excruciating protocol at the White House!" He sternly reminds me.

I'm about to retort that I do but dad turns back to Alex but I know that he'd rather be alone with his thoughts and feelings. At Alex's mention of Elizabeth Weston, Eleanor Faison and Zoey Bartlet Young will be attending the lying in state. Dad's face brightens at this as I know that he and Josh were very fond of President Bartlet's daughters and I'm glad they'll be there for him.

"We've yet to hear from John Preston," Alex refers to my dad's former secret service agent. "And finally," Alex frowns and glances at me, "Alison and Richard Carter. I called them as you requested and they..."

"She's coming?" I ask, and I can't quite make my voice sound neutral.

After all the trouble she's caused why has is she invited to Josh's funeral? In spite of her respect for the office of the President, she and Josh barely tolerated each other. I heard the rows when they thought I was sleeping about the gossip that circulated in DC about her friendship with my father. Molly glares at me, I've told her about _that _woman, and I think she had heard things from her Dad, and her eyes are telling me to leave it, but I can't.

"After all the trouble she caused, _she's_ coming to Josh's funeral?" I find it hard to keep the resentment out of my voice. "It's disrespectful to Josh!"

"No it isn't and yes she is!" Dad barks at me making everyone jump in their seats.

"But..."

Molly kicks my ankle gently, but I can't leave it, I have to stick up for Josh.

"Josh hated her!"

"Jamie, he didn't hate her." Dad explains patiently ignoring Alex loudly clearing his throat. "Josh accepted my friendship with Alison once he realised that's all it was. When his illness was diagnosed, Alison and Richard Carter have gave him tremendous support which he appreciated." Dad gives a sigh. "I know your feelings about her but I want them at the funeral. Now drop it!"

Out of the corner of my eye I see my daughter watching us anxiously. She's always been able to pick up on my moods. I'm not going to upset her so I shut my mouth and turn to stare out of the window.

"I'm sorry about that Alex. Go on," Dad says politely.

"Actually, I was about to say, I'm afraid the Carter's are unable to attend as Richard Carter has been taken ill." Alex explains patiently turning back to his computer tablet. "Now," The tone of his voice is a little more brisk. "After the lying in state ceremonies are completed, President Jesson will leave the Capitol Building first, then the VP, then the rest of the guests. We can arrange for you to stay behind with the coffin for as long as you want. Then we'll depart for Blair House to greet the visiting dignitaries."

Dad nods and asks Alex about reminding him to send a letter to Alison Carter and I can see how difficult the whole ceremonial aspect of this is etched on his face. I know that he will get through all of it with dignity, for Josh's sake, even if he is still angry that he knew nothing about it. I just wonder about dad's re-emergence in to public life after a long period of seclusion and how he'll handle the press intrusion. I still shudder at the numerous times both my dad's stormed down to the press room when a rogue reporter had over stepped the mark by talking to my friends outside the school gates.

It left them both more resentful towards the press and during the latter years of Josh's presidency reluctant to be on show more than they had to. The one aspect of Josh's plans dad agreed to was putting his foot down about the current President and Vice-President attending the burial itself.

I'm getting a little uncomfortable with the silence in the car. Dad, continues to stare out of the window deep in thought and I remember how I used to find him in the East Wing, sitting back in his chair staring at his desk. I turn to Molly who is looking anxiously in his direction and I'm struck that my dad's face has turned the colour of putty and the glassy eyed faraway look has returned. I make a silent promise to be at his side as much as possible and if possible I'll speak to Uncle Peter again; ask him to keep a watchful eye of him. Josh would want that and I need to do something after my behaviour over the past weeks.

"We'll keep it as brief as possible for you, Sam, OK." Alex says reassuringly noting my anxious glance. "Either Daniel or I will be with you all day... "

"It's OK Alex," Dad cuts in. "I'll be fine, thank you. I owe you a debt a gratitude for everything that you've done so far. I feel like I should be doing something! Everything's been taken out my hands."

I notice a slight touch of bitterness in his voice.

"That's the problem when the State Department get involved..." Alex begins.

I pay little attention to the rest of the conversation as Claudy announces that she wants a drink and Molly and I focus on preventing orange juice being spilt over the highly polished leather seat of the limousine.

Sam's POV

I try to pay attention to Alex as he goes to great lengths to explain that given the fact we have to deal with the Jewish aspects of the burial, as well as Josh's wishes for the ceremonial parts, it was best that the arrangements were left to Toby, my team and the State Department. But, I feel so helpless and with little or no activity to divert me from my current state of introspection, all I can think of is the hearse that we'll meet when we cross the Memorial Bridge as we enter DC. I wanna remember him at his best full of life with that slightly arrogant walk but with the cheekiest of grins. Yet, all I can do is think about when I finally had to accept that I was going to lose him.

_George Washington Hospital – Washington DC – May 2031_

"_Sam, I'm fine, I want to go home."_

_Josh's argument would be much more convincing if he wasn't lying in a hospital bed, with an IV in his arm, an oxygen mask on his face, leads going into heart monitors and was coughing every few minutes._

_He was admitted about eight hours ago when he had difficulty breathing. He'd had a cold and we thought he'd gotten over it, but he began having trouble breathing and chest pains. We called out our local doctor and the next thing I knew he was being brought to GW. He probably should have gone to the nearest hospital but his cardiologist is here. She diagnosed pneumonia._

_I stand up and brush the hair back from his forehead._

"_I know you do but you heard what Dr Andersen said, you have pneumonia, and your heart and lungs are struggling so you need to be here. I'm not going anywhere, ok?" I reassure him._

"_Sam...I need to talk you. I need to tell you about the funer..." He's sized by another bout of coughing and I place the oxygen mask over his face._

"_What you need is to rest. Good God Josh if we hadn't left this so long...you should have been here days ago! You heard what the doctor said."_

"_Yes I did, but did you?"_

_I simply nod and hand him the glass of water from his bedside locker and wait while he calms down._

"_Sam, you heard her say that even if I had been here a few days ago, it wouldn't have made a difference."_

"_Josh..." I whisper._

"_We both know what's going to happen."_

_I can't say anymore, I don't want to think about it. I could put off thinking about the evil day while our lives were still relatively normal but after this recent bout of pneumonia, it frightens me to see how far he's deteriorated. Then I heard it in the doctors voice, she couldn't look me in the eye but she had the tone that prepares people for the worst, that they have to accept the inevitable and face life without their loved one._

"_Sam, we're going to have to talk about this."_

_He breaks off and goes into another coughing fit. I rub his back until it passes, hating that I can't do more._

"_We're not talking about it tonight."_

"_When? Every time...every time I want to you won't. There are things I need to tell you..."_

"_You're going to get over this and then..."_

"_No I'm not, Sam. I hardly get out of bed anymore and when I do you have to all but carry me. I have to sleep sitting up or it hurts to breathe, I can't remember the last time you slept in my arms and I've seen more of the inside of this place than anyone should in the last few months. Sweetheart, I'm tired." He finishes in a whisper._

"_I know darlin', but the antibiotics will kick in soon and you'll start to feel better."_

"_That's not it! I wanna sleep and never..."_

"_No!"_

"_I wanna be able to do all the things we still had to do, to hold you at night, to make love to you again but I can't. I want to see our granddaughter grow up but I'm not going to..." He stops as the nurse walks in and I turn and face the window until I can calm down._

"_President Lyman, I just need to check your blood pressure again."_

_Josh makes small talk with her as she goes about her work. As she's finishing up, I turn to face them. Once she's gone I lean down, gently remove the oxygen mask and kiss him._

"_I hate these things," he tells me, "I can't kiss you."_

_I smile, kiss him once more before putting the mask back on and sit back down in the chair._

"_I hate that I'm not going to grow old with you, that I'm leaving you alone." He says a few minutes later, his voice quiet and I can barely hear him over the hiss of the oxygen. "It breaks my heart."_

"_I know, but can we...can we not talk about it tonight? I know we planned a movie night, but we can do something...how about it?" He nods and I get to my feet. "Give me five minutes. Why don't you get some rest and I'll be back soon."_

_I leave, speak to the doctor to check what I want is possible before making a phone call to Suzie my executive secretary at Seaborn Wyatt and Associates, even though I haven't been there for months now, she's keeping everything running._

_An hour later and Josh is sleeping. I'm at his side reading the newspaper trying to ignore how ragged his breathing sounds. He wakes as the door opens and an orderly brings in a trolley, followed by a nurse. The trolley contains take out bags and crockery. The nurse gently changes his oxygen mask for a line that sits under his nose, as I asked and checks the monitors. Once she's satisfied, I thank them and they leave. I close the door behind them, knowing they won't disturb us now unless I call._

"_What's going on?"_

"_It's not what we had planned but it's the best I can do at short notice."_

_I start opening bags and I put his food onto his plate, before moving his table over the bed, proud of the fact I only hit the bed once._

"_I didn't think I was allowed junk food anymore."_

_Josh is eyeing his hamburger hungrily, something which hasn't happened for a while._

"_I asked Dr Andersen, and she said it was ok. Then I called Suzie who brought it over for us, and Daniel told the restaurant just how particular you are about your burgers." I carry my own plate round the bed and perch on it and start eating. "Go ahead, Josh, eat." He's still staring at me._

"_I...can't believe you did this."_

"_Josh, shut up and eat, before it gets cold."_

_He smiles at me and picks up the hamburger with a gleam in his eye. When he's finished I clear away the mess and the table before dimming the lights and setting up the DVD player that Daniel lent to me. When I'm done, I climb onto the bed next to him, carefully to avoid any wires. The bed is tilted so he's half sitting but l put his arm around me and let him hold me, like he wanted._

"_Thank you." I just catch his whisper._

"_You're welcome." He puts his left hand over mine so our rings are side by side. We both wear thin wedding bands as well as the rings we gave each other when we proposed._

"_Will you wear this...when I'm gone."_

"_Joshua I don't wanna talk about this tonight!"_

"_Please, I don't want it buried with me; I want you to wear it. I'll have my wedding ring." His arm holds me that bit tighter. I nod my head, not trusting myself to speak. "I love you, Sam."_

"_I love you too, Josh."_

_He's quiet for a few minutes and just when I think he's fallen asleep I hear his breathing hitch. "Sam...will you promise me something?"_

_I know I'm not going to want to listen to what he has to ask but I can't bring myself to stop him. It's obviously important to him._

"_What's that?"_

"_When the time comes...I don't want to be here."_

"_Josh...you might need to...what if you're in pain?"_

"_Then...damnit, Sam, we have a perfectly competent doctor at home, I don't want to die here in some cold, soulless room. I want to be with you, in our bed, in our home. Can you understand that?"_

"_Of course...I just don't know if I can do nothing...I don't want to lose you, Josh."_

"_Sweetheart, there's nothing I can do about that, I wish I could but can you understand why I want to be at home, with you, not in this place?"_

_I want to say no, want to tell him that I'm not going to just let him fade away but I can't because during all of this he hasn't asked me for a single thing, he's spent more time worrying about how I am and how I'm coping rather than himself._

"_Yes, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to promise you..."_

"_You are, Sam, I know you are." He tightens his arms around me and for a minute I try and forget that we're in a hospital, ignore the hiss of oxygen and the gentle beeping of the monitors. Most of all I try and forget that Josh is dying and soon I'll have to say goodbye to him; long before I was ever meant to. He's quiet now but his hold on me doesn't lessen so I settle myself back in his arms and listen to him breathe just about managing to keep the tears from cascading down my face. "It was worth it, yeah?" I croak._

"_Every minute. Don't ever forget how much I love you, my wonderful Sam."_

Josh reminded me of my promise that I'd take him home to die and when the doctors told him there was very little they could do for him, he had a statement drafted thanking the staff for their care and support during his stay and made me take him home. Despite my promise, I tried to talk him out of it but he wouldn't be swayed. I look down at my hand, and his ring nestling next to mine and once again I feel my heart clench at the feeling of letting him down.

"Sam? Is there anything you want to do or anywhere else you want to go in DC?" Molly asks me. "Places you and Josh used to go?"

I shake my head, everywhere I'll go in DC will hold memories of Josh and our life together.

"You should take Claudy to the top of the Washington memorial. Jamie used to love to see the city from a bird's eye view. I'm sure the Secret Service could arrange something."

"I think that's something her Grampa should do. After all you do know the area don't you? Maybe we can make a weekend but perhaps we'll wait for a couple of months." She hastily adds at a look of doubt on my face.

Jamie was so lucky when he married her, she always knows just what to say and I know I'm not going to be allowed to sit around wallow if she has anything to do with it. The car falls quiet for the remainder of the journey except for Claudia's occasional questions about how far it is to DC and I slip back into the past.

_Washington DC – 2019_

"_Hey!"_

_I look up from my seat against the railings of the Truman Balcony. _

"_That was a good thing you did," I say as he leans over the railings to enjoy the amazing view of Washington DC's monuments. The Truman Balcony is usually off-limits to the press and is for the president's inner circle or special guests, where they can relax smoke cigars and look across to the illuminated Jefferson Memorial. Tonight to celebrate the passage of Josh's historic education reform he invited the West and East Wing staff to a reception in the East Room then several close aides joined us up here for some champagne._

"_They've put in some pretty long hours and I think some of them are kind of barely alive." Josh replies rubbing his eyes. "Where are they now?" He adds referring to the staff who at our invitation are taking the opportunity to snoop around the residence._

"_Oh, I think they've slopped off to look at the Lincoln bedroom." I reply taking a puff of my cigar._

"_As long as they don't cause to much noise and wake Jamie, then I'm a happy guy!" Josh almost snaps then sits down on a formal cast-metal patio chair. "I'm sorry..." He stifles a yawn._

"_Alex will make sure they toe the line," I reassure him then take a sip of Jack Daniels and put it down on the glass table. "But, it was a grand gesture Josh, to invite them up here! For some it will be their first time in the Residence." I remind him referring to staffers who joined us after Josh's re-election. I give his wedding ring a reassuring rub.._

"_A successful supreme court judge nomination," I blow a puff of smoke in the air. "And now this! It's something to celebrate!"_

_We touch my glass and his beer bottle together in celebration._

"_Who'd have thought it," Josh says._

_It's said with some bitterness because we're almost half way through our second term to achieve the grand vision Josh boldly announced in his first state of the union._

"_You've,"_

"_We," Josh gently corrects me._

"_OK, we've confounded our critics and you'll never be considered as a 'lame duck' president. Now the bill has passed you'll consider taking a break? You look burnt out!" I say referring to the extra furrow brows on his forehead and the auburn curls are almost obliterated by grey hair._

_Josh takes a slug and nods his acquiescence and I make a mental note to speak to Donna about clearing his schedule, before he changes his mind._

"_Thanks sweetheart!" Josh says slightly offended. "I'll admit that I'm tired but have you looked in the mirror recently?" He takes a gulp of his beer. "You've worked just as hard on this! We've hardly had any one on one time together in the last three months."_

"_How about a date night then? We haven't been out..." I stop as we both laugh together at a memory of a dreadful night out three months back._

_We have a selection of restaurants in DC were the managers are happy to close the restaurants at a short notice and the secret service are happy with the security arrangements. I appreciate the restrictions imposed on our life style, but sometimes it's good to shake up the routine. After staffers and friends had raved about a bistro which wholesome American fare', we decided to go out for a romantic meal._

"_It's was kind of small." Josh says as I take of drink of my scotch and get up and cross over to the drinks trolley to put some more ice in it._

"_Quaint," I offer as I drop two ice cubs into my drink. _

_Ever the politician I'm determined to put some kind of positive spin on the evening._

"_OK, quaint," Josh concedes. "But in such a confined space how could we be romantic with the secret service virtually standing over us."_

"_Was it necessary for them to be in the restaurant? They could have stood outside they had the entrance and exit covered? Doesn't the Secret Service work for you?" I remind him. _

"_Yes, but I'm not sure the secret service would be pleased if they could hear this conversation, sweetheart. Jed once told Delores Landingham that they'd have her down like a calf at a rodeo, so I'd like to keep in their good books. I thought you'd gotten over this."_

"_I have. Now I know why Kennedy preferred to stay here and have friends dine here." I stub the remains of my cigar into the ashtray." He said that he didn't want to become socially isolated and neither did I."_

"_I didn't know this..." He waves his around the balcony and out towards the Washington Monument. "Was getting to you."_

"_It's not that, I mean we saw at firsthand what life was gonna be like in the White House with Jed and Abbey. They managed to carve out some sort of existence, here" I drain my drink. "I didn't think we'd settle down..."_

"_We have haven't we?" Josh gives me an anxious glance. "I mean I've never seen you so relaxed you seemed to have carved out a role for yourself and that makes me so happy."_

"_I'm," I get to my feet and turn to face the view and then turn around surprised that my eyes are wet with tears. I don't know if it's because I've had a very large scotch and champagne or we're on a high after the euphoria of watching the vote in the West Wing, but, I've never felt so supercharged since the Election._

" _I came up here one afternoon and listened to Jamie talking to some friends in there..." I turn to face the Yellow Room. "It suddenly struck me how lucky we are to go to bed every night where history has been made for 200 years."_

_Josh gets to his feet and comes to stand beside me._

"_You know it used to be F.D.R.'s study, the place where he mixed nightly cocktails at what he called "the children's hour," and took his dinners on trays with aides and friends. It was in this room that he learned of the attack on Pearl Harbor. _

_I nod always impressed at his knowledge of the history of the building and his pride at living in the White House._

"_Then I thought we've got a thousand days left here Josh! " I seize both his hands. "You've gotta make the most of them!"_

_"Don't you think it's harder than it was before? Everything is such a battle."_

_"Remember darlin', your achievement has been the smooching on this very balcony with the swing votes. I know you used You used to use op-eds as a form of inspiration and a reason to keep battling but now you have to play nice and you've pulled it off."_

_"We've pulled it off. But Sam, I'm getting tired."_

_"I know you are, we both are!" I take hold of his hands trying to ignore that he's been proclaiming that he's tired for a few months now. "We've worked our asses of but we can have a break now. Then we come back fighting. Because you'll be back fighting fit ready to inspire the staff and I don't wanna see them walking around __here like we're finished."_

"_If you say so." Josh says doubtfully._

"_I do say so! "I seize his hands. "JFK didn't pretend that challenges are easy when they are tough. He was determined to push the boundaries of civilisation and show what the free world is capable of!"_

"_I love it when you get all puffed up! The way your chest expands and you stand ten foot tall. You've still wanna change the world to get the best out of people and of course shoot for the stars."_

" _Just think we've given the Republican's a slap in the eye. The ones who wanna be living in 1955 when the world lived in terror of nuclear annihilation and Eisenhower occupied this building."_

"_And women and blacks knew their place, there was no swearing on TV, and sex was kept in its proper place under the carpet." Josh adds with a grin. "You know they might try to scupper it. We're gonna be in for a bumpy ride."_

"_Then we'll fasten our seat belts? Right? But," I draw him back into my arms. "More kids can go to college" I murmur in his ear._

"_And schools can become temples," I add and he laughs as he releases me after giving me a firm kiss on the mouth._

"_You never lose that sense of optimism do you?" He grins and looks a little younger._

"_It may be battered and tarnished but yeah, and we da men Josh."_

"_It's our day of jubilee..."_

"Dad, we're here." Jamie's voice brings me back to the present.

I look out of the window and the Washington Memorial still glistens but in the bright sunshine as we cross over the Memorial bridge.

TBC


	8. Part 3b

Monday

Washington DC – 2031

Sam's POV

"OK, so what now?" I ask Alex and as we make a sedate pace over the bridge.

To my surprise I see crowds lined of each side of the bridge standing in respectful silence.

"We travel along to the Ellipse and within sight of the White House," Alex reminds me as he reads from his computer tablet. "We'll stop halfway for the flypast before the procession carries on down Constitution Avenue to Capitol Hill." Alex looks up at me with a reassuring look. "You don't have to get out unless you want to."

As we stop at the designated spot at the Ellipse, the sudden sound of jets makes Claudy jump and she stares wide eyed at her parents in wonder. Alex asks me if I want to step outside and watch their fly past whilst we wait for the hearse to arrive. As I exit the dark cocoon of the limousine in to the bright sunshine, I blink rapidly wishing I could wear my sunglasses. There's a gasp of surprise from Jamie and I try not to stare in astonishment at a warm applause as the hearse pulls up behind us.

As the hearse is placed with military precision on to the gun carriage, I feel that I'm curiously detached from people and surroundings. During the sedate journey to the Capitol Building, the voices of friends and family are as muffled as the military drums of the escort. When arrive at the Capitol Building, I rouse myself sufficiently to lean over lift my granddaughter onto my knee.

"You OK there buglet?" Claudy nods solemnly.

"Now this is important, you don't have to come with us. Or stay in there..." I tell her gently as I point to the magnificant building. "Just tell mommy and she'll take you for a walk." She nods and I give her a warm hug. "Grampa would be proud of you, Claudia."

The door is opened by a Marine Guard and Molly takes Claudy who stares up in awe at the guard and solemnly informs him that she's "six and she'll be good" and I swear the guard tries hard not to smile as he escorts them up the steps of the building. I automatically straighten my tie, mentally preparing myself for the ordeal ahead.

"I'll see you inside, Sam." Alex tells me and climbs out.

Jamie gives me a reassuring smile as we follow out the limousine and shake hands with our military escort. My son makes quiet small talk with the guard until we reach the top of the steps of the Capitol Building. We stand and watch in silence as the pallbearers take up their places and Hail to the Chief is played amidst a 21-gun salute. As the pallbearers make their careful way up the steps the band strikes up America the Beautiful and tears sting in my eyes. Josh with his PTSD still had lingering issues with music but he was often moved to tears by this song.

"Now we can appreciate him at last," I murmur.

"What did you say? Dad are you ok?" Jamie's voice is soft in my ear, his hand is at my elbow, supporting me as we watch the coffin carried with precision closer and closer to us.

"Oh, something someone said when Lincoln died. I guess I have to look as I am OK, right?"

As per my wishes as the coffin reaches us I reach to lay a hand on the top of the flag. Aware that millions on TV are watching us I don't linger but instead step back. Jamie takes my hand and I squeeze it in thanks as we enter the building.

In contrast to the unusually warm weather it is cool inside Rotunda . The statues and busts on display around the edges of the space, primarily of former presidents, are a fitting place for the lying in state. As Jamie and I stand next to Molly, Claudia is gazing around, taking in every detail as the coffin is carefully positioned on the catafalque. Apart from an occasional cough and shuffling of feet there's complete silence as the honour guard takes up its position to watch over my husband overnight.

As the service starts, Jamie touches my arm to get my attention. One of the Rabbi's cites special blessing before Vice-President Tom Davis, Josh's VP steps forward. A tall commanding man, he and Josh entered the Senate at the same time and they became good friends. When Josh was nominated he asked Tom onto the ticket, like many a VP before him, Tom would carry the South. He's a rare breed, a good and honest man. Unlike like some previous running mates, Josh and Tom had a good working relationship; his family supported us at many of the functions where a First Lady would have been required. In return Josh and I gave our whole hearted and vocal support for Tom when he ran for President. It upset us greatly that he was beaten by the Republican challenger, by a narrow majority.

"Sam, Jamie," Tom's deep southern drawl breaks into my meandering thoughts. "Mr President, Mr Vice-President, all of President Lyman's colleagues and distinguished guests. We're gathered here to pay our respects to a good man who first and foremost was a husband to Sam and father to Jamie, and a friend to all of us here. As President of these United States he left the country in a far better state than it was when he found it. One of his idols, Lyndon B Johnson said that, 'we must throw open the doors of opportunity. But we also must equip our people to walk through these doors...' Tom takes a deep shuddering breath and manages to compose himself but I see that his hand shakes a little. "And it was in that spirit that Joshua Lyman spent his Presidency. Together with Sam," He gives me a warm smile from across the other side of the coffin. "They made it easier for the less privileged children in this country to access the best education that he could provide for them."

I listen as Tom goes on to extol the virtues of Josh's presidency in improving health care and bolstering the economy at a time of a floundering world economic climate.

"Joshua Lyman spent his adult life serving his country, a service which almost cost him his life on that fateful day at Rosslyn which so many of us remember with horror. " At that memory I close my eyes for a second. It's over thirty years ago but sometimes the memory of that day, is as fresh as if it were yesterday.

"Many people thought that his career was his life, and maybe that was true, until Sam came into his life again. Sam and Jamie and later little Claudia, gave Josh a completely different outlook on life." There are a few murmurs of approval at this. "Although his career reached the highest level, it was always Sam that he gave the credit to. Sam was his inspiration and it is to Sam that we all look to give our comfort to now in these dark and difficult days..." Tom is struggling and stares down at his notes for a moment. "As Josh would want us to do," he finally manages then he turns to me. Sam, none of us can know how you feel but know that we share your grief and know how much he meant to us all and how much you mean to us. May God bless him, and the America he worked so hard for."

As Tom retakes his seat whilst struggling to maintain his composure, I feel Jamie's strong grip of my right hand and I know we're both on the verge of losing it and I give it a reassuring squeeze. I stare straight ahead barely registering the eulogies from some of Josh's former Senate colleagues. Tom's words ring in my ears. This is hardly a JFK moment! It's not the case of the country being held together by a national tragedy. Josh's illness was not a secret and his death expected, but, it's been slowly dawning on me how respected Josh had become for his vision to increase social equality in health and education and restore America's image on the world stage as a peacemaker. "_A president without a vision accomplishes nothing, because there is nothing he wants to accomplish. Without a vision, a presidency results in failure." _ He'd often said. The crowds, the flags on public buildings at half mast, a national day of mourning, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the respect my husband was held in.

A nudge from Jamie reminds me that the ceremony is at an end and my family and I are guided towards the dais. I watch as Molly leads Claudia by the hand and bends down to whisper in her daughter's ear and the little girl reaches out and touches the coffin and says a quiet, "I love you, Grampa 'Osh."

As Molly brings my granddaughter back I see Claudia biting her lip determined to look brave and I want to hold her and promise her things will get better, but I can't. Instead I'm forced to keep my head bowed in the determination that I won't break down on national television. As I move forwards I manage to look up and I see Claudy give a little wave at someone but I don't look to see as it's Jamie's turn to step up to the coffin. My heart almost bursts with pride at how brave and dignified my son is. He bows his head murmurs a few words then step back and turns to me and I bite my lip something I haven't done for years as I step forward. How do I say goodbye to someone for over thirty years has been my best friend, and then my lover.

"Sleep tight, darlin', I love you."

Let the lip readers watching on TV translate this it's something I've said almost every night before we go to sleep and so it's so appropriate now as I lay my hand under the flag. It's the nearest I can get to touching _him_ so I let it linger for a moment. Then as I step backwards I bow my head again and close my eyes for a moment. To those watching in the Rotunda and on TV this may look as an act of reverence. But, I'm suddenly aware that I need to get away and fast. It feels as if I'm walking on a unstable boat; the floor is moving up and down and it's difficult to keep my balance and I tense my muscles. I will not fall. I won't let Josh down.

The next few minutes are a blur all I feel is a strong supporting hand under my right arm and for the first time today I'm aware of the shadowy presence of the secret service. They have me settled in a room just off the Rotunda and instead of shaking hands with the dignitaries; strong hands tug at my tie and it seems like an age before my heart stops jumping around in my chest.

When I can open my eyes without the room spinning my mouth gapes open in surprise as standing in front of the closed door in the regulation dark suit with an ear piece is John Preston one of my former agents.

"You didn't think we'd let you get through the next few days without us, did you?"

I look to my right and there's Chris not in a regulation secret service suit but his face mirrors the concerned look on John's face. I flash back to all the times that these two men managed to get me out of trouble, but most likely got themselves into trouble with their boss. They were my brothers in arms.

I gingerly get up and we exchange warm hugs. I'll admit that with Chris it was weird moving from agent and protector to in-laws but the two of us had always gotten on well and I like to think but for the rigid protocol we would have been friends back then. Our two families have spent a reasonable amount of time together since Molly and Jamie got married and Chris and I have relaxed into a friendship that wasn't possible before. John I remained in regular contact after Josh and I left the White and I attended many of his family gatherings.

"What are you doing here?" I'm so glad it's John protecting me and not some anonymous detail and he tells me how they'd been called back to DC by the Secret Service a few days ago. Chris adds that he would also be on my detail but the high ups felt there might be a conflict of interest.

"So," Chris finishes "I'm purely here as part of the family and a friend. John here though is armed and probably dangerous...so don't try losing us like you used to." I can't help but let out a small laugh. "Sam...I wanted to come to the house but I was summoned to DC with John and then...well we thought we'd surprise you." Chris tells me.

"Are you OK now?" John asks.

"I'm fine, honestly. Molly's been...well she's kept us all together. Sound familiar, doesn't it Chris?"

Before he can reply, there's a commotion outside the door.

"Where's dad? I want to see him. He's got a heart condition!"

"Thank you Jamie for reminding everyone of that!" I say dryly as my son bursts into the room with Daniel hot on his heels.

"Dad, are you OK?" Jamie asks anxiously as he crouches down in front of me. "Should I fetch the doctor?"

"I don't need a doctor," I say as I vehemently shake my head. "I'm..." I don't mention that my heart has just about stopped jumping around and that I'm feeling a little cold and clammy. That bit of information would send in the paramedics.

"I'm fine! I just got a little light-headed. Look who's here!" I add to distract my son and Daniel from quizzing me further about my health.

Jamie turns to the men who were on his detail before his kidnap and his face breaks into a wide grin. After those awful days, Josh and I insisted that the two men transferred on to my detail, to show that we had every confidence in them. He gets up and greets John with a hug before turning to Chris, who despite Josh's joking reacted much better than I did to the announcement that Jamie wanted to marry his pregnant daughter. They've always gotten on well and now become very close since the wedding.

"Alex has asked me to tell you that President Jesson has asked to speak with you in private. It's up to you! I'll happily tell him no." Daniel speaks up.

I shake my head.

"Ask if I could meet him tomorrow?" Dan nods and turns to leave, stopping at my "Dan..." I can see he senses what I want to say.

"Sam, it's ok. No one saw a thing. We told everyone you just needed a moment to yourself. Every one understood it's only natural you'd want to be alone. Molly has taken Claudia to see the summer house in the grounds and if you want you can stay behin to have a priavte moment with Josh."

"I didn't know there was a summer house!" I exclaim as I start to do up my tie as Jamie says he'll go and find them. "But...I don't think I can go back in there now...can you arrange it for tomorrow night before they take him..."

"Of course, no problem," Daniel assures me. "You're looking better! I can call a doctor just to..."

"I'm fine!" I say firmly as we walk out of the room.

Daniel tries to direct me towards another exit point but despite my words, I head towards the Rotunda. The guests have departed and now the public file in. Some curious with their cameras, others bow their head in respect. I take a step into the shadows as we stand and watch for a moment. Daniel stays behind me.

"You know," I say softly, as Chris comes to stand beside me with John on the other side of me. "I've kind of been thinking lot about the past and I remembered Josh joked that you'd kill Jamie when you found out about him and Molly."

"I admit it felt a little strange that first time at your house, with Josh and everything, but...well I know Jamie...it could have been some unknown kid, who I may well have killed."

"You should be proud of your daughter, she really has kept us all sane."

"You should be proud of your son." He turns to me but still his eyes are everywhere. "I heard you didn't know about any of this."

"No, I didn't but..."

"But...?"

"But...now, as much as I'm mad as hell about being kept in the dark...I can see that this is right for him. This is what Josh deserves. For all the times he battled Congressmen or Senators, or walked onto the floor of the Senate and cast his vote."

Chris listens without interrupting he's used to his years as my shadow and my talking to myself with my random thoughts.

"I still wonder what made him decide to do all this. I mean, he was teased for having a planet sized ego, but, they don't know the man I've seen for the last eight years. Josh said he was becoming like his father; just as happy to be sitting out on our porch complaining about the insects on the plants or the squirrels, as he used to be charging up here to fight for some piece of legislation or other. So what made him decide to make his funeral a public spectacle? He didn't court publicity once we left office, hell I often had to drag him back to DC for events but was there a part of him that felt underappreciated somehow? I just wish I could ask him!"

"I also saw you and the President after you left the White House, remember?" John adds. "Remember those barbecues for former staff and protectees you held?" I nod. " I don't think he was ever happier than when he was with you, wherever you were, but you are right, he deserves this. You and he overcame so much to get to the White House! Think of all the crap that was thrown at you while you were there! I think this is the least that the country can give him and whatever his reasons were, you need this too, to see how much he was admired. I think it'll help you in the coming weeks."

"Thank you, thank you both!" I lay a hand on John's arm. "Tell me? Who arranged for you to do this?"

"Who do you think? Who would have the authority to even suggest we go back into active service five years after retiring."

I laugh, "Josh. Typical Josh."

"Yeah. C'mon we should..." He stops as we're spotted by a member of the public and there's a flash from a camera. Chris starts to go after the man, but I shake my head and he takes up his usual position behind me allowing Daniel to walk beside me.

"We've got your back Sir," John says as he always did when we stepped out of a building or out of a car. I smile and walk out of the building and with one last look across to the catafalque before I head out of the building.

Blair House – Washington DC

"Thank you for coming..."

"Yes it was a moving ceremony..."

"Me? I'm doing ok...how are you? Yes he will be...thank you again."

I've repeated the same sentences verbatim and give a sigh of relief as I tug at my tie and watch last of the dignitaries file out of the Dillon reception room. As I turn back to my friends and family, CJ is pointing out the birds on the Chinese wallpaper to Claudy and their lively chatter falls silent. I scan the anxious faces of friends and family and manage a false smile.

"C'mon guys," I rub my hands and head towards the remains of the magnificent buffet the staff have prepared. "I don't wanna see this food go to waste!" I put up a couple of crab puffs on my plate and accept another cup of coffee from a waitress.

OK, so I may be bouncing off the walls soon by the amount I've consumed but I've gotta say I'm feeling more alert. Claudy runs to me from CJ's side and I pick her up and I hold her to me as she chatters away oblivious to the continuing silence in the room. I know everyone is waiting for an explanation of why I was hightailed out of the Rotunda by Chris and John.

"Dad, it's..." Jamie looks at his watch. "It's nearly six. Why don't you go upstairs have a shower and change we can have a quiet evening?"

I feel myself bristling at another irrational bout of anger. Jesus why are they talking to me as if I'm a child or if I'm not here!

"Jamie, shouldn't you be putting Claudia to bed?" My tone is like ice as I put my granddaughter down with a quick kiss to her hair.

"Alex," I turn to him who stands over in the far corner of the room, computer tablet tucked under his arm. "I'd like to go back to the Capitol...tonight, if it's possible. I know I said tomorrow is fine but...I didn't...get to say...what I wanted to say."

"Sam," Alex looks to Jamie for approval, "I'm with Jamie, have a quiet family evening and get some rest. Tomorrow would be better and gives me time to liaise with the State Department."

"Alex, neither you or Jamie get to regulate my bedtime! Now since that thing..."I give the computer tablet a withering stare, completely forgetting in my days in the West Wing my lap top went virtually every were with me. "Is welded to your arm; please would you go and arrange for me to spend some time with my husband or do I not get a say in that either?"

The words tumble from my lips but there is no going back. I know I'm shouting and I know Daniel is going to kill me. He doesn't say anything he just nods and leaves the room. I know that in a space of twenty four hours I've gone too far again. The air of shock in the room is palpable so I stalk away from the embarrassed faces and into the nearest empty room which is the library.

OK I know I should go back and apologise but I'm unable to make myself move and once again it is Daniel that is the designated peacemaker. This time he doesn't bother to knock but storms in his face almost red with anger.

"Dan..."

"No, just sit there and let me talk, Sam. I get that you're hurting that you're pissed as hell over the arrangements. But it's not our fault we only did what Josh asked us to do. I know we should perhaps go easy on you in this difficult time, but I'm not gonna let you shout at Alex or anybody like that. What are you thinking? Everyone is concerned for you and we're trying to let you deal with this how you want but you're starting to lash out at the wrong people."

"I know...I...I'm just so angry."

"I know that but the thing is, you're pissed at the wrong people. You're not pissed at Alex, you're not pissed at Toby, you're not even pissed at yourself," I shake my head, "You're pissed at Josh."

"That's ridiculous. I'm not going to listen to this." I get to my feet, ready to leave and stare in surprise as Daniel blocks my exit.

"He left you and that's why you're pissed at everyone because you can't be pissed at him."

"Daniel you're stepping way over the line now." I warn him.

"I don't work for you anymore so that's crap. You know it's not wrong that you're angry at him. I'm told it's a natural response to grief. But, pushing people away isn't going to help."

"I...where's Alex now?" I'm not ready to talk about Josh, but I've gotta apologise to Alex.

"I'm not letting you near him! After all he's done for you!" at which I have the grace to look shamefaced. "He's crushed but Alex being Alex," Dan speaks with emotion. "He'll speak to the State Department. It might be a couple of hours before you can visit. They need to hold the lines and clear the Rotunda before you can go in."

I nod. "Would...would you or Alex, if he is still talking to me, mind accompanying me?"

"Of course...you know Alex idolised Josh, _and_ you, he would never do anything to purposefully hurt you."

"I know. I'm sorry," I sigh. "I'm going upstairs to change. Will you apologise to everyone for me." He nods and I head to the door. With my hand on the doorknob I turn back to him, "Dan, I _am_ sorry."

"I know, just try and get some rest before you leave, ok?"

"Yeah and... I know I've been a jerk, so when Alex gets back it's time for you both to get some rest. It's been a long day!"

"Thank you, Sam."

As I head upstairs, I stop by Claudia's room the bedside light is on and I can see her, hair spread out on the pillow. She's curled up fast asleep already, covers askew, clutching her teddy bear, exactly how Jamie used to sleep. I marvelling at her innocence in all of this upheaval, I cross over to her and place a soft kiss on her cheek then retreat to my own room.

I check my watch, it's only 7pm but I can't go back downstairs and face everyone. I look at the bed, it seem far too big for just me. It's something I'm gonna take a long while getting used to. I used to hate sleeping away from home without at least a phone call from to Josh to say goodnight. Even when we were sick we would sleep together if we could, or at least be in the same room.

_2018 – Lyman Re-elect Campaign – Illinois_

"_Sam, will you get in the damn bed already?" Josh demands as he stands over me in his pyjamas; hair sticking up and looking exhausted from three days solid campaigning._

_We're on an overnight stop in Springfield, Illinois. I've had the flu for a couple of days, but, knowing how important the Illinois is to the election, I insisted on coming. We're just back from a fund-raiser where I tried not to cough and sneeze throughout Josh's speech. He's now trying not to say "I told you so" at the hotel doctor's announcement that I've spiked a 101 degree fever and have to stay in bed until we leave for Washington tomorrow afternoon._

"_Josh..." I let out a loud sneeze and cough as I climb into bed and he goes to climb in next to me. "What the hell?"_

"_I'm not leaving you what if you need something in the night?"_

"_I'm a big boy Josh! I think..." I try not to splutter and sneeze as Josh gingerly offers me tissue. "You've got a full schedule tomorrow and that includes two TV interviews and you need your rest. I am not gonna give you my cold so that you can sneeze over people tomorrow."_

"_Well at least let me take the couch!" Josh offers. _

"_Then," I glance at the uncomfortable looking sofa at the far end of the room. "You won't be able to move tomorrow after a night on that..." I let out another sneeze in to my handkerchief. "What kind of impression will that give?" I rasp. "You'll be fine next door! Now can I get some sleep?" _

"_But we always sleep together!"_

_Josh is close to whining and I don't have the energy or patience to deal with him tonight._

"_Not tonight, Joshua. You've seen the polling data! It won't be enhanced if you infect its inhabitants! So I suggest you shut up and go to sleep."_

"_You know, you're mean when you're sick."_

"_Indeed." With a deep sigh, I sit up from my place huddled under the bedclothes, "Josh, I want nothing more than be bed with you! But, I'll just keep you awake with my tossing and turning or coughing so it's better I stay here. You know it makes sense."_

"_I don't have to like it," he grumbles. "I miss you."_

"_Oh good God." I struggle out of bed to give Josh a peck on the forehead then give him a gentle push towards the adjoining twin bedroom._

_We always reserve a second bedroom in case Jamie and mom can join us on the campaign trail. I watch as he climbs into bed then I tuck the bedclothes around him. "There...is that better? Or would you like a bedtime story?"_

"_I love you, Sam."_

_I smile, "Yeah, yeah. Get some sleep. You're going to knock 'em dead tomorrow, you always do."_

A knock on the door brings me back to stark reality of life without Josh and Dan informs me that we're able to visit Josh in a hours time. I choose a fresh white shirt from a antique closet then head to the ensuite bathroom. If I'm going to visit Josh, I'll be showered, shoes re-polished and wearing a crisp white freshly ironed shirt.

2031

An hour or so later and I'm in a town car driven by John, Chris in the front passenger seat, with Daniel next to me, heading the short distance up to the Capitol. Alex made the arrangements so when the guards changed at ten I could have some time to myself with my husband. The streets are quiet, almost eerily peaceful and a side entrance to the building there's a member of staff to greet us. I shake his hand acknowledging his condolences with a nod.

Once again the silence hits me and I take a deep breath and Daniel murmurs that he'll be waiting in a side room, then, it's just me and the honour guard. I'm glad that Josh is not alone the guards' stand at four points of the catafalque staring straight ahead.

"Josh, I'm here!" There's a sob in my voice as I walk up to the coffin and slip my hand under the flag.

For a moment I close my eyes and I know it's irrational but I just want one more moment, to touch him, to hear him tell me some mindless fact that he's just learnt.

"I...I'm so angry with you and I hate myself for it." I plough on. "Why did you do that? Why couldn't you tell me? Did you think I would argue with you? I shouted at Alex, Josh...I feel like I'm out of control."

"_Sam what the hell!"_

I can hear his voice so clearly and I like to think that if I turn around I'll see him standing there. Not as when he left us, older, thinner and tired, but as I remember him best; suited, despite the silver hair his brown eyes sparkling, full of life and vigour. But, I continue to stare ahead, frightened like Orpheus who went to retrieve his dead wife from the underworld, that if I turn around I'll break the spell.

"You know you mocked me when I got Daniel and Alex together! But, they kind of remind me of us, those early days when neither of us had a care in the world, well except for a cheating father and an issue with music. I told you once how scared I was that day of your melt down in the Oval and I meant it." I take a deep breath "But, I don't think it's anything to how scared I am now. I'm alone, and I miss you and I don't know what to do, don't know how to stop lashing out."

"_Sam, I miss you too. But, I told you that you'll be alright. You have the family and our friends to see you through this!" _

His voice of reason is so clear but I stuff my hands in my pockets and slowly pace up and down not looking over my shoulder.

"Daniel says I'm pissed at you, and maybe he's right, I don't know but...God Josh you left me! Why'd you have to go and do that? I wasn't ready! I know you tried; you tried so many times, to talk to me; to make sure I was going to be alright. But I was too stubborn to listen, tried to believe that you'd be ok, that you wouldn't leave me. What am I going to do now huh? When are you going to stop turning my life upside down...God what am I thinking? You've been doing it for over thirty years." I walk back to the coffin and run my hand along the flag once more. "I...That's not fair, I know you couldn't fight anymore, but we should have had more time. We weren't done yet."

"_I was, but you're not Sam! You've got so much to do!"_

"Like what?" I say bitterly.

_"So what, you're gonna lock yourself away, become a recluse? You might as well be dead like me. You think that's what I want? You have a life, don't waste it pining after me. We had our time, and now you have to carry on. I know you can. Make me proud, as always."_

"You always knew how to butter me up!" I reply with a rueful laugh.

"_You know I'm right, Sam! You have so many people who..."_

"Mr Seaborn?"

The escort approaches me and breaks the spell. "I know you wanted to be left alone but I wanted to know, is everything alright?"

He must think I'm a fool pacing up and down muttering furiously to myself. I take a deep breath trying to control the emotions raging through me.

"Yeah, sorry, I...was I talking to myself?" I look at my watch and he follows my gaze.

"Take as long as you need, Mr Seaborn." He looks towards the coffin. "He'll be sorely missed. But, if it's any help you both did so much for this country...my partner and I..." He stops, upset and usually I would enquire about him and his partner, but, tonight I just don't have it in me. "I'll leave you...please take as long as you need."

"Did you hear that?" I smile when he's hurried away head bent.

I realise that my anger has abated leaving a dull ache in my heart. I've said all I wanted and it's clear Josh isn't here to listen to my rant and it's time to go.

"I should go, your public are waiting. I wish I knew why you changed your mind about wanting all this. God the boost your ego would get from all of this! People do love you Josh." I press my fingertips to my lips before placing them against the casket. "I don't really have much of any kind of faith anymore darlin' but the one thing I'm trying to hold onto is that maybe one day I'll see you again. So, until then, I love you." At that I turn and stride away, willing myself not to turn back.

Daniel and I say nothing on the ride back to Blair House. I'm sure he's still pissed at me so I take the opportunity to make small talk with Chris and John and find out about the training facility they've set up together. But as we pull up outside Blair House and I go to leave the car, Dan lays a hand on my arm.

"Sam, going to the Capitol...did it help?"

"I think so." I tell him honestly. He nods and follows me out of the car. "I'll speak to Alex first thing, I promise. But," I glance at my watch as we head up the steps and into Blair House. "It's nearly eleven, go and get some sleep."

"Sure..." Daniel begins and I know he's going to apologise for his earlier harsh words.

"Don't worry about it!" I say remembering how many times I heard Leo say those words.

"I..."

"A wise man used to say 'don't worry about it' and we learnt to know that he meant it! Goodnight Dan."

I'm up the stairs and heading for the principal master suite before he can reply.

I stand open mouthed at the sight of Peter Jameson sitting comfortably in one of the sofas in the attached private sitting room to the bedroom sipping a cup of coffee and reading the Washington Post. I try not to notice the late edition's picture of Josh lying in state on the front cover.

"Jamie?" Is all I need to say.

"Yeah, he thought you might benefit from seeing me."

"I bet he did!"

With that I stalk pass my friend into the bedroom and into the en-suite bathroom and splash cold water on my face. As I enter the bedroom I find Peter has followed me and patiently seated in a sofa by the fire place again reading the newspaper.

"How many sofas and chairs do you need in a bedroom?" Peter comments looking around the opulence of the room. "So..."

"Peter, don't! I really don't need a lecture tonight!" I protest as I tug at my tie.

"Sam," Peter gives a sigh of exasperation and lays the paper on a coffee table. "I'm not gonna lecture you, but if you can't see that you need help...If you won't listen to your son will you listen to someone who's known you longer than anyone else in this building?"

"CJ and Toby are here!"

"Sam!" Peter interrupts as he runs his fingers through his receding hair. "Don't get smart with me!" His voice softens."Listen, when you're grieving, it's important that you take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Do you know how many hours you've actually slept this weekend?"

"No, but I'm sure someone has told you!" I try not to sound sarcastic.

"No one has needed to Sam! We've all just got to look at you! You've gotta start looking after your physical and emotional needs which will help you get through this difficult time. It's time to get some rest!"

I sit down on the bed deflated and ashamed of lashing out at my friends again.

"I can't sleep." I almost whisper.

"OK," Peter nods. "It's not uncommon when you're grieving for someone."

"It's not that I can't to sleep..."I stare down at my hands. "I don't want to! When I do, all I see is Josh that final morning..." I haven't admitted it to anyone before, hell, I probably haven't admitted it to myself before now.

"I should never have left you alone at the house." Peter says sadly shaking his head.

"You had to go, Penny was ill," I say of his teenage daughter. "I had Jamie and friends with me."

"She had a cold and you've almost ended up alienating your family and friends. And," He finishes the rest of his coffee. "I'd have at least come back to make sure that you did not reach the stage where you're barely stand up in the Rotunda!"

"Do you think anyone noticed?" I ask.

"No, but, I'll be frank with Sam, some of the papers are saying that you look ill and not coping."

"I really did think I was going to pass out, let _him_ down." I say as I go on to explain my feelings of dissociation on the way to the Capitol Building and what happened in the Rotunda.

"You weren't going to let Josh down, Sam. What you had is a panic..."

"No way...I..." I begin appalled at the idea of being in such in state.

"Actually, I'd call it acute distress disorder, if that's the spin you wish to put on it." Peter says soothingly. "Anxiety disorders also happen in men and I think seeing Josh's coffin for the first time, you were suddenly challenged with the emotional turmoil of 'feeling' the sense of loss!"

"OK," I say a little doubtfully as I cross over to a drinks tray placed on one of the bedside tables.

"I didn't go to see him at the funeral home..." I admit and start to pour myself a scotch. "They seem to think of everything here! Care for a night cap?"

Peter shakes his head and gets up and crosses over the room and takes the glass away from my hand and puts down on the table.

"No thanks and you're not going to either! Alcohol doesn't help! But," Peter returns the sofa facing the fireplace and I sit opposite him. "When the sense of loss becomes a reality it's frightening. The high levels of stress cause shortness of breath, anxiety, panic, nervousness, tension and irritability among other things."

"I'm a text book case huh," I reply thinking back on the range of emotions I've experienced in the last couple of days.

Yes," Peter agrees. "When our bodies are in high stress mode, it engages in "fight or flight". We want to get out of a situation as soon as we can, our breathing gets shorter and quicker and the heart rate elevates. Panic attacks can mimic the impression that you're about to pass-out but it rarely happens."

"I really did feel like I wanted bolt," I concur. "But, I've faced bereavement before and it's not been like..." I struggle to find the words.

"You mean you're not grieving in the same way as you did with your mom and Geena?" Peter says gently. I nod. "Well, first of all your mom was in her seventies and I'd prepared you for it after her first heart attack.

"You did and we'd said goodbye but with _him _we'd just got him home then he left me..!" I say bitterly as the tears sting in my eyes. "With Geena it was so sudden," I add thinking of my first spouse.

"Sam, there's something else with Geena. It's gonna sound corny, but if you are honest with yourself, it was Josh who was..." Peter pauses. "How can I say this? The love of your life." He says frankly and I know he's right.

I did love Geena, but it wasn't with I suppose poets would call a burning passion.

"There's also the fact that when they both died, you could play an active role in the funeral. I know you Sam and that you like to be kept busy or turn to physical activities as a way to keep distracted. "

"So much has been taken out of my hands." I agree bitterly. "It's not that I'm grateful to Toby and Alex but...there's been so little for me to do! I didn't sit with Josh afterwards...there's no choosing a suit for _him_ to be buried in!"

Peter shakes his head.

"You couldn't Sam and you know why. Josh put himself in the hands of Toby one of his oldest friends who over saw that everything was done according to Jewish law as much as possible. I haven't seen one criticism in the press from the Jewish elders in DC about the arrangements for the lying in state or the burial."

"I can't read the papers...not yet any way." I admit.

"I know...and I know you're unhappy that you've been kept out of all the arrangements."

"I...I want to shout and scream at him and ask him why he thought it would be OK to exclude me like that."

"I don't know why, Sam and it's doing you no good going over this again tonight. Some of my terminally ill patients find it a help to oversee the arrangements for their funerals. Perhaps he felt it gave him some control."

"But..."

"No Sam, no! Enough for tonight! The one thing I know is he would have had his reasons for not telling you. He would never hurt you."

I sigh, "I know. I should trust his reasons...is that what you're saying?"

"Exactly," My friend looks at his watch and I realise how tired he looks. "It's getting late. Now, you've got two more days of this before you can do this your way, whatever that means! Can I get you a pill to help you...?"

"No!" I jump to my feet and start to pace agitatedly around the room.

"Look, just for tonight, you can sleep in tomorrow. Josh would..."

"Well Josh isn't here so he doesn't get a say." I continue my pacing then stop in the middle of the room, "I just want to show I can get through this...in my own way."

"Sam, until you can convince yourself that you did everything you could for him, this is the only way you'll get a decent night's sleep."

"I didn't do anything!"

"For God's sake Sam, of course you did! Later on when you've got through the darkest days you'll see that you did."

I give him a doubtful look but I'm ready now to admit defeat as I look at my watch and see that it's nearly half past midnight.

"Thank you, Peter."

"Sam, remember that when you've finished alienating your friends and family I'll still be your friend. Why do you think I was there that day? I wasn't his doctor...why do you think I called you every day? When I spoke on Friday night, I knew it wouldn't be long which is why I drove up on Saturday. It was just dumb luck I turned up when I did. You know that I'd come up any time you called." Peter gives a sigh which develops into a yawn. "Now, I need my sleep too! So will you please let me give you something, just for tonight?" He pleads.

Reluctantly, I acquiesce. I've used up all my strength and I'm doubtful about my ability to sleep, so I hope that a pill will knock me out. Peter claps me affectionately on the shoulder.

"I knew you'd see sense!" Peter says as we break apart. "I'll be back in a few minutes, get changed, I'll go and ask one of the staff to give you a wakeup call for 9am?"

I nod and a few minutes later, Peter finds me in a smart pair of navy silk pyjamas and navy towelling robe staring out of the window across at the White House. He hands me a blister pack with a solitary tablet inside and gives me a gentle shove towards the bed.

"Get into bed, it should knock you out. If you dream, you dream. The more you tell yourself it's going to happen chances are it will."

"What are you gonna to tuck me in?" I say at a weak attempt at humour as I climb obediently into bed and my friend hands me a glass of water. "You sound so much like mom!"

"No!" Peter says with a little eye roll of exasperation as I take the pill. "But, I will give you a check up tomorrow. Then," He finishes packing his medical bag and snaps it shut. "When you're back home, I will arrange for you to see a bereavement therapist. I know you'll have support from family and friends but..."

I try hard to listen to what he's saying but the bed is very comfortable and my aching limbs crying out for rest. It's no wonder that my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier...

TBC


End file.
